Aftermath of removing my tummy’s protein-fluid

I remained pain-free for about one week before my tummy’s protein-fluid started returning. The excruciating pain caused by the fluid on my old wound returned as well. This time round, I resorted to using surgical tape to "stitch" the old wound superficially so that they would there will be less pressure tearing at the old wound and this simple method does reduce the pain. I thanked God for whatever relief I received.

At the same time, my back pain which wasn't a concern for me during one-week relief from tummy’s bloatedness has also returned. I had to resume my morphine drug to manage the pain again. I was scheduled for another CT scan at NCC on 19 Oct'11. The scan as originally scheduled 28 Oct, but due to my insistence, my oncologist managed to secure an earlier slot for me. He later disclosed to me that it was due to the fact that he donated $10k to the NCC Cancer Fund, and his close working relationship with NCC that I was given an earlier timeslot.  I was so touched when I knew the extra miles my oncologist walked for me, but he also thought that he was donating for a worthwhile cause. I thanked God again for being treated by a doctor with moral conviction.

The CT scan revealed further spread of my tumours in both the peritoneal cavity and in my liver. My oncologist shared with me that he had run out of option and suggested me to stop all my chemotherapy treatment. I took his advice, and the HCA hospice care will be acting as an intermediary between me and my oncologist. In the meanwhile, I am given mild dosage of morphine to manage my pain, am followed up regularly by hospice nurse and doctor, and learning to spend the remaining time with my loved ones meaningfully.

If you could join me in prayer, please pray that:
1) I could have the appetite to enjoy food, and to appreciate the newness of each day together with my loved ones. I am vomiting on a daily basis and losing weight;

2) I give thanks to all forms of support I have received in the past many months. Many of you have been walking with me through prayer support, some through monetary pledges, some through SMS text, some through emails, some brought fruits for me, etc. I appreciated whatever forms of support I have received. Please continue to walk with me, and I believe God will bless you in many ways than I know of. Pardon me if I may not respond as much as I would to in future due to my declining health, and for my need for extensive rest.

3) Though I do not know how much time I am left with, I ask for trust in God's goodness, in God's faithfulness, and to find continual rest in the peace and joy that can only brought about by an eternal relationship with the One above, and the One within;

4) The last one may not be that related to those above, but has been on my mind for some time. Even as the cost of living keeps increasing in Singaore, may the policy of the government work for the benefits of the poor and marginal. May God particularly remember those who are sick and poor among us. 

May God's peace and blessings be upon you.
3 Nov’11

When we cannot solve problems of those we seek to help

I would like to share two paragraphs from Henri Nouwen's Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith, an extract on "what to do" when we cannot solve problems of those we seek to help. More often than not, I have heard Christians utter the magical word "Trust in Jesus Christ" or "Believe in God" to signal the end of a brief conversation (or perhaps the "exit" sign) with the other who is experiencing real pains and sufferings. These were the typical responses I chose initially as a chaplain intern, as I was frozen by fear of not knowing what to say; later I experienced it on a different level as a cancer patient. However, as a cancer patient, these responses sound like cheapening the grace of God, of distrusting the reality of God's presence and of not having experienced the empowerment of His church. Later, I learned to stand in solidarity with the patient by listening attentively, by giving my full presence to the patient. It is not so much about what to say anymore. My suggestion to all who are learning to minister to others in pain: Stand in solidarity with the sufferer, even when you can't solve the problem. It is even all right to cry with the sufferer. Your presence embodies Christ. Below are two paragraphs which are helpful to me one reaching out to minister to others, from Henri Nouwen’s Spiritual Direction: 

WHEN WE CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS OF THOSE WE SEEK TO HELP
But what if we cannot solve the problems or change the circumstances of those we seek to help? Alleviating pain and suffering may sometimes be the fruit of our being with those who suffer, but that is not primarily why we are there. Ministry takes courage to be with the sick, the dying, and the poor in their weakness and in our powerlessness. We can't fix their problems or even answer their questions. We dare to be with others in mutual vulnerability and ministry precisely because God is a God who suffers with us and calls us to gratitude and compassion in the midst of pain. You cannot solve all the world's problems, but you can be with people in their problems and questions with your simple presence, trusting that joy also will be found there. As Mother Teresa was fond of saying, "Jesus does not call you to be successful, but to be faithful."

Jesus said, "Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate." It's a great calling. Don't be afraid. Don't say, "I can't do that." When you know yourself to be the beloved, and when you have friends around you with whom you live in community, you can do anything. You're not afraid anymore to knock on the door while someone is dying. You're not afraid to open a discussion with a person who beneath the glitter is much in need of ministry. Knowing that you are loved allows you to go into this world and touch people, heal them, speak with them, and make them aware that they are beloved, chosen, and blessed. Not by our might or by our power but by our simple presence in the midst of suffering, we show our love and gratitude for others. This is the mystery of ministry.

Henri Nouwen, Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. pp.136-37.

An unfinished journey

In one of my last few academic theological papers, I had to evaluate Paul Knitter’s typology: replacement, fulfillment, mutuality, and acceptance as a framework for inter-faith dialogue in his Introducing Theologies of Religion. On top of that, our class had to analyze why we prefer a certain model or a framework for inter-faith dialogue. This model or framework could be a modified form of the existing one or one of the current existing one. Towards the end of my paper, I suggest what is the responsibility of a Christian theologian in inter-faith dialogue, and what marks a true inter-faith dialogue, and hopefully to probe for possible development in the near future regarding inter-faith dialogue. However, I don’t think I can continue along that line of academic development anymore, so I shall call it an unfinished journey. Allow me to share an extract from my paper,

I believe my responsibility as a Christian theologian is to confess my faith, and to invite others to experience the liberating relationship with God. The act of confession and invitation necessarily entails the art of listening and being instructed by others, as well as to practice the act of compassion towards people of different faiths. I would suggest that the ethical-practical bridge component in the mutuality model is a must for mutual dialogue. By crossing the ethical-practical bridge, I am challenged to accept the value and dignity of human life regardless of other faith commitment. I am called to recognize the presence and work of the Spirit of the Trinity among others, and to work for the exaltation of human's freedom from despair and social injustice. This implies that in inter-religious dialogue, I must recognize the radical differences of other religions, and allow their rich complexities to speak to me by not imposing my question of salvation on them. I must allow them to be who they are in order for them to speak to me, and to confess my own ignorance while seeking to learn from them. My above argument spells out why partial-replacement model may not be preferred and why the fulfillment model and the Heim’s proposal are more compatible with the root-metaphor of the kingdom of God and more conjugal to grids that provide natural habitat for extension of thought, and linkages beyond the immediate horizon.

I believe that the God whom we have a relationship with cannot not be held captive to any religion, nor be contained within any doctrines or propositions. To be in a relationship with the triune God we come to know in Christ is to be set free to know, to love, to serve and to live in submission to the authority of Jesus Christ the head of the paradigm community whom we called the church.
(An extract from Swee-Leong Koh’s final paper, in fulfillment of the academic requirement of Dr. John Berthrong’s class Theologies of Dialogue, Fall 2009)

Now that I am a cancer patient, I am called once again to ponder my relationship with the God who is not contained within any doctrines, I am called once again to re-experience the God who is Love despite of all the physical ailments I am going through. It is no longer an academic contemplation about who God is, but a call to experience God despite the failings of my physical body. I am getting thinner and I am trying hard to regain weight; I had my tummy fluid extracted last week but the fluid is returning, so has the “sharp pains”. I am learning to trust my life into God’s hands and trying to learn how to rejoice at whatever relief that can be found. My journey towards inter-faith dialogue may not be fulfilled, while my new journey continues to mark new milestone for me; and I ask God to be extremely merciful in my new journey which will probably see me passing on into the next life. 

A minor surgery to drain out 3-litter of fluid from my tummy

I had a minor surgery on 11 Oct’11, to draw out out the excess fluid floating in my stomach. The excess fluid was pressing my liver against my chest and it could be so painful that I felt a knife piercing through the bottom of my left ribcage whenever I exerted strength to switch from a flat to sitting position or when I laid in a flat position. This made sleeping at night for consecutive few hours near impossible, particularly during the last one week. As the pain became more frequent, I felt more and more miserable. I thank God that 11 Oct was my consultation as I was near the point of breaking down.

The whole surgery lasted about two hours. Ten minutes to prepare for the needle to go in, five minutes to withdraw the needle and the rest of the time to drain out the excess fluid. A total of 3-litter was drained from my stomach. Fluid which had been accumulated in the last few months and causing me the feeling of "bloatedness" in the tummy and the "knife sharp pain" near the left lung was finally been drawn out. The draining was quite painless except that I felt uncomfortable laying in a confined space, and I experienced gastric reflux twice as I did not have any food throughout the whole afternoon. During the span of two hours, I was also given albumin injection to make up for the one I had lost, and a separate chemotherapy injection to save time.

Towards the end of the surgery, as I watched the 3-litter of bloody-fluid in a inflatable bag, I heaved a sigh of relief but at the same time, I wanted to burst out in tears. I felt like I had gone  through so much. I had gone through one episode of pain endurance followed by another.  When would it end? I long to enter an eternal rest where there is finally no suffering, no sorrow, and enjoying the intimate fellowship of our Trinity God with our fellow brothers and sisters who had passed on.

As I was reading Henri Nouwen's The return of the prodigal son: a story of homecoming (First Image Book, 1994, p.96), a paragraph spoke to me:

In Latin, to bless is benedicere, which means literally: saying good things. The Father wants to say, more with his touch than with his voice, good things of his children. He has no desire to punish them. They have already been punished excessively by their own inner or outer waywardness. The Father wants simply to let them know that the love they have searched for in such distorted ways has been, is, and always will be there for them. The Father wants to say, more with his hands than with his mouth: ‘‘You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.” He is the shepherd, “feeding his flock, gathering lambs in his arms, holding them against his breast."

Nouwen has helped me to understand that despite the pains I am going through, I am a beloved child of God, and His love is always here to be found as it is it always present. Our God is a suffering God and God knows the depth of our experience because God walks with us in our journey. This thought brought peace to my mind once again and I would like to share my prayer concern:

1) I thank God for the success of my minor surgery. I was totally exhausted after my surgery, and I am still trying to regain strength. I don't know when fluid will build up till I have to go for surgery again, but I ask for the ability to enjoy life no matter how bad my condition will be (have mercy on me, oh Lord);
2) I am due for another CT scan again. I don't know what the outcome will be. If the tumours are shrinking or are under control, I will be delighted. But if the tumours are spreading, what are the alternatives for me? Fear lurks in the corner of my mind. I pray for my tumours to shrink and may God guide me through this valley of fear. May God allow me to feel His touch and to hear His voice;

3) I continue to ask for good appetite. I have been vomiting almost daily and I am losing weight, which is not a good news for any cancer patient. I ask for the wisdom to plan my diet and rest so that my stomach will not go hungry nor will it consume excess food. I need to take in more food to gain weight;

4) I continue to ask for quality time with my family members, and I ask for God's blessings upon them.
Thanks for being my praying partners. May God's blessings be upon you as well.

Hospitalized for feet’s bacterial infection: part 2 of 2

The first night after the acupuncture was terrible. I had to position my feet in a baby bathtub while laying on the bed the whole night. I hardly slept well. I felt my feet to be less swollen in the next two to three days. However, whenever I planned to move about, my feet had to be wrapped in tissue papers and plastic bags by my wife or my mother. It was very inconvenient, but at least I felt less resistance in moving my feet. The redness above my feet started to be more noticeable. Four days after acupuncture, the fluid drip had decreased dramatically but I was experiencing increasing pain whenever I moved. By the evening, I could not move my left feet was it was so red and swollen. I started rallying for prayer support. On the 8 Sep’11, I could hardly walked as my left foot was too painful. My wife called the TCM practitioner. His first question was whether we would like to have another house visit consultation, and we said no. He next said that I was his first patient to suffer from red swollen feet after five days of acupuncture. I had a gut feeling he did not know it was a case of bacterial infection. This would be the last time I would use his service, and I am still undecided whether to write a letter of complain to the TCM board in Singapore.

Thank God, I was visited by my hospice doctor and nurse on 8 Sep’11 who identified my condition as bacterial infection. Dr. Kee prescribed an antibiotic, Augmentin, for me, but I vomited it out two hours after consumption; and it happened twice. As I could no longer tolerate my bacterial infection, I discussed with my wife and mother the idea of hospitalization on the morning of 9 Sep’11 before consulting with Dr. Tay at Gleneagles Hospital whether it was possible to make such arrangement. He expedited the process and by afternoon, there was a bed vacancy for me in a four-bedded ward. As I was not scheduled for operation, I was allowed to wear my home clothing in the ward. Compared to Singapore General Hospital (SGH) where I had my radical nephrectomy, my dress code as a patient made me felt faceless as I was identical with other patients wearing the same hospital gown. What’s more, the nurses at SGH preferred the curtains separating each bed to be opened at all times so that nurses at the door could see what was happening at one glance. There was a loss of privacy. At Gleneagles, the curtains between beds were drawn all the time to maintain privacy.

The first night at Gleneagles, I was injected with liquid Augmentin to ensure the antibiotic traveled to the infected site immediately instead of passing through the digestive system. Every morning and evening, I had an antibiotic injection. I had another liquid diuretics injection to ease the swelling of my legs. Most of the time, my legs were propped up on pillows to facilitate blood circulation in my feet. In this ward, four patients were entitled to two toilets which included the shower room, unlike the ward I was in at SGH last year, five patients were entitled to one shower room and a separate toilet. Comparatively speaking, it was more comfortable recuperating at Gleneagles. The funny thing was when I was introduced by Dr. Tay to his colleague and the nurses on shift, I was known as “a church co-worker who has no money”.  

With each passing day, my swelling eased. I was able to walk slowly though it was still painful to exert pressure on my left foot. By the 3rd day of admission, I was given the option to discharge. However, the doctor in-charge of me preferred to to stay for one more day to monitor my situation and for additional doses of antibiotic. Since I could walk without much assistance, I tried to stand up on my own and walked to the toilet myself. Each successful attempt was a cause for celebration. In the initial two days when I had to rely on the wheelchair and my wife to push me, I had to use urinal to pass urine which felt awkward.

I was officially discharged on the 12th Sep’11 and still had to depend on wheelchair to move about. I was given one week of penicillin to manage the bacterial infection. When I was about to reach home, I did not particularly enjoy the stare of a lady in her fifties on the first floor of house elevator as if I were an alien or someone who looked like a possible source of her gossip. I also did not like the stare of my speechless neighbour that made me wish I were invisible. I still depended on wheelchair for movement during the first few days, and subsequently, I could finally move about more independently. The skin which was originally red and swollen became to come off and I had to apply intensive moisturizer often to ease the discomfort. Now, slightly more than two weeks after my discharge, I could say most of my ordeals with bacterial infection is almost over, and I thank God and God’s community of people for walking together with me. I felt God has been with me throughout this trial, and I was greatly comforted by my friends who have been lifting me up in their prayers. My wife and mother have also been taking very good care of me during this period of trial.

Now, I have to cope mainly with bloating tummy which my oncologist suggests is due to leaky blood vessels which will be alleviated by my chemo drug, Avastin. My sleep has also become irregular. I could at most catch a few hours of sleep before waking up again, and a few hours later on. My appetite has also shrunk, and I could only take frequent, small meal everyday to satisfy my hunger. I have to be careful with my diet because if I overate, I am almost certain to throw up.

How right is the advice of the Teacher when he says “Rejoice, young man, while you are young, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Follow the inclination of your heart and the desire of your eyes, but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.” (Ec 11:9) Enjoy while we still can, because there will be a day when our body cannot enjoy the pleasure of good food and the comfort of life anymore. Yet, in the process of enjoyment, we are to remember that God will take into account how we live our life.

Hospitalized for feet’s bacterial infection: part 1 of 2

It started with edema in the mid of August when I noticed my right foot to be swollen after teaching adult Christian education class one Sat morning. The swelling of both my feet coupled with increasing tiredness were telltale sign of the ineffectiveness of my 2nd chemo drug, Affinitor. After I stepped down from my teaching post at Jubilee School of Missions and the Peoples’ Presbyterian Church, and the Bible leader role from Providence Presbyterian Church at Jurong, I was able to rest more often, and had more time for reading. However, my edema  became more serious towards the end of August. Propping the legs above the heart level  every night was the only advice I had to from my oncologist to ease the swelling. I also noticed that my stomach had become bloated as well. I was told that my stomach was retaining water by my oncologist; because  it was not serious enough, it was not a cause for concern yet. Dr. Kee from HCA hospice care advised me to take in highly nutritious milk as my main food intake to make up for insufficient protein intake. He asked me whether I would like to try diuretics to ease the edema, and I guess I was not ready to for new medication yet. However, I bought more packets of ready-made milkshake for cancer patient to supplement my protein intake. 

By the end of August, the swelling in both legs had aggravated. I could only rest my feet on a higher support every now and then during the day to reduce the swell. At night, apart from wearing compression socks, and resting them on a pillow, there was nothing much I could do. The swell were usually less obtrusive in the day, and aggravated towards the evening. I had difficultly walking and felt clumsy in my movement. My mother borrowed a wheelchair and waling frame on my behalf to facilitate my movement at home. During my consultation with my oncologist on 23 Aug’11, I had to be wheeled in the hospital.

Finally, someone whom I am close to informed me of a registered practitioner in traditional Chinese medicine who is experienced in reducing water retention. His clinic is located at Upper Bukit Timah Road. After much hesitation, I decided to give it a try. The practitioner offers home consultation for a much higher fee than clinical visit, but since I had difficulty traveling, I asked him to come to my place. On 3 Sep’11 evening, he and his wife arrived and explained to me what he was going to do. He illustrated few examples of his success cases where his patients were relieved of their edema. According to him, my body could not absorb the excess nutrients and these had to be released. He commented that unlike the Western doctors who focused on draining off of fluids, his technique will in fact help the body to be strengthened eventually through acupuncture. He cited an example of his elder brother who was supposed to undergo surgery to remove his remaining kidney, but with two-year acupuncture treatment his elder brother’s kidney function was restored and was spared from the nightmare. He assured me that his technique will boost my overall immune system.

After heating his needle, which I assumed was his method of sterilization, and applying alcohol on my stomach and my feet, he started poking from my head, then to my feet where my mother, my wife, myself witnessed fluid oozing out from the acupuncture points. I felt a sense of relief as I thought I did not have to cope with edema much longer. Then the practitioner’s wife reminded him to poke my stomach. Fortunately, no fluid came out from my stomach. I was next given a used bottle of aloe vera cream to accelerate healing of the skin. What I did not know then was the beginning of bacterial infection for me. I was only told to wash my feet with clean water, to use toilet roll and towels to absorb outflowing fluid, and if fluid outflow was heavy, to use sanitary pad to wrap it. There was no sterilizing gauze or anti-bacterial solution in his concept. I was told not to use soap during bathing in the next few days, which I obediently followed. I was mentally prepared to expect heavy fluid outflow from both feet in the coming one to two days, and subsequent decreased in fluid flow three to five days after. The TCM practitioner left twenty minutes after his arrival, with a hefty sum of fee.

Moving from 1st to 4th line of treatment within two months

 

I started switching to Affinitor in the early July when my CT scan done on 28 Jun’11 revealed the ineffectiveness of Sutent (my 1st line of treatment) in managing my tumours. I decided to switch to another oncologist, Dr. Tay, at Gleneagles for 2nd opinion and for more personal advice. Dr. Tay was of the opinion I should also switch medication and knowing my situation, he was able to offer me a cheaper price for the same medication. After trying out for two months, it was clear from my 17 Aug’11 CT scan that Affinitor was not working for me either. Dr. Tay suggested me to switch to 3rd line of treatment, another oral anti-angiogenesis drug Votrient. By then my energy level was declining, and I was coping with the after-effect of radiotherapy.

My blood test result two weeks after I took Votrient revealed that this drug might be ineffective as well and my energy level was declining steadily. During that two weeks interval, I had asked my family members to be mentally prepared in case my health continued to spiral downwards. My sudden loss of weight after one week of radiotherapy from 18-25 Jul‘11 to kill tumours growing on my spinal cord did much damage to my body. Though each therapy session lasted for last than five minutes, and it was painless, I vomited on a daily basis then and ate little during that brief one week of treatment. I didn’t gained any weight since then, except experiencing edema. The therapy also left a burnt mark on my back. 

By end of August, my feet were so swollen and I felt so weak that I had to use a wheelchair when consulting my oncologist at his clinic in Gleneagles hospital on 23 Aug’11. My 17 Aug’11 CT scan did not look good, and my blood test did not look good either. Tumours have grown back on my spinal cord, and I am taking oral morphine to manage my pain. When Dr. Tay asked me how I felt about the my own condition, and I remembered saying “Not positive”. He advised me to be mentally prepared. I was given the option to stop treatment or to try the 4th line of treatment, using intravenous injection drug, Avastin. I heard of Avastin before, and it was the drug approved prior to Sutent by the US Food and Drug Administration, but a more expensive drug than Sutent. I would like to try everything within my means before giving up so I decided to give it a go. Dr. Tay also arranged the service of HCA Hospice Care for me.

I started Avastin on 23 Aug’11 and it has been a month. I believe my body is responding to Avastin as I did not feel my energy level to be dipping further and my blood test on 9 Sep’11 indicated that my liver’s and kidney’s function to be improving. I thank God for the extra time I have with my family members now. Dr. Kee, the hospice doctor, suggested that any extra day for me is an added bonus. Dr. Kee’s suggestion is a new paradigm for me. Each day is indeed a day of gratitude, though I have to cope with occasional swollen feet and bloated stomach now.

Stating my philosophy of life briefly

 

I have been asked whether life is meaningful if one were to die eventually. I would say a definite YES. I believe we live to create good memories with our cherished ones, and we leave behind memories while also taking it together with us. Grief is a natural process of detachment. Everyone is bound to attachments which will be naturally followed by detachments. The challenge is to live in the present NOW, because what exists is NOW. The deeper challenge is to create good memories for oneself and for others in the present NOW, knowing that we will be held accountable for how we lived (that is the last word of Ecclesiastes by the way). To refuse to let go of detachment is to trap oneself in a spiral of grief. I know this sounds a bit like Buddhism, but what makes this belief different is the assumption that the reality we construct now is a shadow of the perfect one that is to come, and will come. Paul says in Eph 1:13-14 "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession." Since we have received the Holy Spirit, what God says will happen will definitely take place. "Meaningfulness" is dependent on God's promises while living in the present reality.

Community requires forgiveness by Henri Nouwen

There are different types of community life you have probably been part of. There are probably some where you enjoy and you feel like part of its whole. There might also be some where you wish some of the underlying problems could be resolved before the community moves on. There might be a few where hurts and grievances are not given room to be expressed and healing is not taking place. Instead, these hurts and pains are hidden, and allowed to corrupt the goodness of the community unconsciously. Depending on the culture and source of authority within the community, some deem it a disgrace to air grievances, while some simply re-interpret the experience and put the source of blame squarely on those who are suffering. Some simply lack the experience and skill to handle hurt and grievance, and choose to ignore it. Recently, I come across Henri Nouwen’s Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. There is a part on forgiveness within community that I would like to share with you, titled “Community requires forgiveness”.

COMMUNITY REQUIRES FORGIVENESS
Within the discipline of life in community are the twin gifts of forgiveness and celebration that need to be opened and used regularly. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not fulfilling all my needs and desires. Forgiveness says, "I know you love me, but you don’t have to love me unconditionally, because only God can do that." I too must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other peoples total needs, for no human being can do that.

We all have wounds. We all live in pain and disappointment. We all have feelings of loneliness that lurk beneath all our successes, feelings of uselessness that hide under all the praise, feelings of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantastic - and that is what makes us sometimes grab onto people and expect from them affection, affirmation, and love that they cannot give. If we want other people to give us something that only God can give, we are guilty of idolatry. We say, "Love me!” and before long we become demanding and manipulative. It is so important that we keep forgiving one another not once in a while but every moment of life. This is what makes community possible, when we can come together in a forgiving and undemanding way.

Our heart longs for satisfaction, for total communion. But human beings, whether it's your husband, your wife, your father, mother, brother, sister, or child, are all limited in giving the level of love and acceptance we all crave. But since we want so much and we get only part of what we want, we have to keep on forgiving people for not giving us all we want. So, I forgive you since you can only love me in a limited way. I forgive my mother that she is not everything I would like her to be. I forgive my father because he did the best he could. This is of enormous importance right now because constantly people look to blame their parents, their friends, and the church for not giving them what they need. Many people are so angry. They cannot forgive people for offering only limited expressions of an unlimited love. God's love is unlimited; our love is not. Any relationship you enter into - in communion, friendship, marriage, community, or church - will always be riddled with frustration and disappointment. So forgiveness becomes the word for divine love in the human context.

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us all together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

(Henri Nouwen, Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. pp.119-120.)

MY REFLECTION
When we project our needs onto others and expect them to fulfill it, we are bound to be disappointed and resentful, because we are unconsciously asking the others to be our superhero. We learn to put ourselves in others’ shoes when we realize that this is of no faults of others, and it is never easy to forgive when we ourselves are wounded in the first place. Unless we take the initiative to forgive, reconciliation will probably not take place. But the source of forgiveness does not come within ourselves, it comes from the God who loves us as who we are. I believe it is only when we recognize and acknowledge that each of us is a beloved child of God; that we have been forgiven by God for our trespasses; and deep within ourselves we realized we have received mercy and grace; only then should we continue to believe in the goodness of forgiving others. To forgive others is to break free of the chain that bind us to our hurt, pain and frustration.

However, forgiving others is easier said than done; it is even harder if the person is part of your community. Let us remember that Judas Iscariot was one of the twelve disciples, and lived with Jesus every day during Jesus’ ministry. Since I am not Jesus, how can I expect to be like Jesus? Jesus has set a prime example for all of us, and the Spirit within us is shaping us to conform to Christ’s image through a long and tedious process. (NRSV Ro. 8:29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family.) Going back to Nouwen’s insights, “Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us all together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.” As none of us is perfect, and recognizing our own limitations, it is by learning to forgive that we accept our own imperfections, our own limitations and the imperfections of others as well. Learning to forgive again and again is a process of acknowledging our mutual shortcomings, to create room for authentic love to take root, and to nourish the soil for authentic life in community to take place.

Disappointment with my AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A

I bought my AIA health insurance policy back in 2002 when I was still in the prime of my health and when I undergoing training as a professional school teacher. My policy underwent some revisions and it is now known as AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A. It was regrettable that I did not find out more from my ex-insurance agent (who has switched to another industry this year) about the the revision and other plans which offer better coverage. Currently, I am holding a policy which offers less coverage than NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic plan and yet I am paying a higher premium. This is why I am disappointed with AIA. 

As I mentioned in the my previous blog entry, when one is scouting for health insurance policy, there are three criteria one should be comparing: 1) The amount of coverage during hospitalization; 2) The types of coverage after discharge, including out-patient treatment; 3) The claims limit per policy year and per lifetime. Let’s compare the benefits of AIA Plan A with NTUC Basic Plan.

AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A Benefits   

NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan

Now if I were to choose based on my first criterion, i.e. amount of in-patient coverage, and if I were to opt for a Class B1 ward (an air-con ward with four beds and an attached bathroom; B1 ward and above are considered non-subsidized ward), NTUC Basic Plan will pay as per charged, whereas AIA Plan A capped it at $830 per day in any ward or $1300 per day in ICU. But if I consider the surgical benefits, NTUC Basic Plan will pay as per charged, unlike AIA Plan A which has a cap limit. 

Next, if I were to compare the out-patient treatment benefits, AIA Plan A cannot hold a candle at all  to NTUC Basic Plan as the latter plan pays as per charged. AIA Plan A loses out by a wide margin in this category.

Lastly, if I were to compare the claim limit per policy year, AIA Plan A also loses out by another wide margin as well. AIA sets a cap limit of $120,000 per policy year, while NTUC Basic Plan sets $150,000. But for lifetime limit, there is no limit at all for NTUC Basic Plan, while AIA Plan A caps it at $5 million for lifetime. 

Now it is clear which is the winner. But if you think the premium for NTUC Basic Plan should cost at least twice AIA Plan A, here’s the truth.

Premium Table for AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A

 Premium Table for NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan

As you can see, if you are a Singaporean, you are paying a premium for NTUC Basic Plan at a price way below that of AIA Plan A. Even if you were a foreigner, it will still be cheaper if you were to purchase NTUC Basic Plan. In my previous blog entry, I have argued that if the premium is affordable for you, go for the NTUC Preferred Plan. In this blog entry, I am comparing the insurance policy I am holding now with NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan. It is very obvious which plan is more superior. I am disappointed that the insurance company which I have grown to trust so much is losing its edges, and is not revising its policy to maintain a competitive edge against other insurance companies. 

I would like to urge the AIA management team to re-examine the policy their company is offering their clients. What matters at the end of the day is that their clients can afford quality healthcare services and the insurance company can be proud to claim that they have their clients at heart. It is critical for an insurance company to be willing to go all the way to enhance its reputation as a trustworthy insurance company who values clients as their core mission, rather than profits, because ultimately insurance company is dealing with human's lives. The insurance agents themselves will derive great satisfaction from meeting the real needs of humans rather than selling a package deal for commission, and this itself is a great source of motivation.

May AIA one day rise to the challenge of meeting real human needs rather than being focussed on commission, and may they set the standard which other insurance company will hold up to one day.  

Comparing NTUC latest hospitalization insurance policy with AIA’s

As a cancer patient, I am heavily dependent on health insurance policy. It is unfortunate that I did not buy the health insurance policy that offers the most comprehensive coverage nine years ago, and I did not think about upgrading my policy during those nine years until I was diagnosed with cancer last year. While I was in the US, I had thought of cancelling my hospitalization policy in Singapore since I was already buying health insurance policy in Boston. Fortunately, my insurance agent dissuaded me from doing so.

Even though I am disqualified from upgrading my existing health insurance policy, at least I could still do a comparison and advise my family members which policy offers the best value. In this case, I am interested to compare between NTUC Income Health Insurance policy and AIA Healthshield plan. Both companies offer hospitalization policies which do not carry cash value, and are renewable every year. You are eligible to purchase the policy if you do not have any pre-condition that predisposes you to a critical illness.When buying hospitalization insurance policy, I suggest using three criteria for comparison. First, does it offer sufficient coverage during hospitalization? Second, after discharge from hospital, what kind of coverage is being offered? If I need long-term outpatient treatment, am I being covered? Third, is there a cap as to how much I can claim per policy year and lifetime? If the premiums are affordable, I would suggest looking for policy that covers as much as possible, and ideally the policy should pay as much as you are being charged.

According to NTUC IncomeShield Plan at http://www.income.com.sg/forms/brochure/EIS.pdf, there are three types of hospitalization insurance policies: Preferred, Advantage and Basic. The three types of policy will pay for the full hospitalization charges (minus 10% co-insurance & deductible) at private hospital, government/restructured A ward and below, and government/restructured B1 ward and below respectively. All three policies also pay for the full charges (minus 10% co-insurance & deductible) incurred due to chemotherapy (which is very critical for cancer patient), and other stated out-patient hospital treatment. The limit per policy year is $600,000; $400,000; and $150,000 respectively for each policy. How about the limit per lifetime? There is no limit for each policy. All three policies also offers up to 90 days full post-hospitalization charges.

AIA offers an equivalent hospitalization plan called AIA HealthShield Gold Max and AIA HealthShield Gold Max Essential. The HealthShield Gold Max is comparable to NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan. You can find out more details about AIA HealthShield plan at http://www.aia.com.sg/health/hiplans-healthshield-gold-max.html. the difference between HealthShield Gold Max and Gold Max Essential is that the latter policy covers co-insurance and deductibles as well. If you download the brochure, you will see that AIA covers 100 days pre-hospitalization and 100 days post-hospitalization charges. However the limit per policy year for HealthShield Gold Max is up to $500,000 while NTUC Preferred Plan offers up to $600,000 per policy year. This $100,000 difference is crucial if you are in intensive care unit. However, there is no limit for lifetime in the case of HealthShield Gold Max and it covers all charges incurred by out-patient hospital treatment including chemotherapy (remember to minus 10% co-insurance and deductible), which is the same as all the three plans offered by NTUC.

Having compared some elementary differences between AIA and NTUC hospitalization insurance plans, you might think that NTUC insurance plans should cost more than AIA’s. Let’s take a look at the chart below for comparison.

AIA HealthShield Gold Max Premiums

NTUC IncomeShield Premiums

Apparently, if you were to buy NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan, you are paying lesser premium than AIA’s equivalent hospitalization insurance plan. If I were looking for new hospitalization insurance policy, my choice is clear: I would prefer NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan. Few years ago, AIA used to set the industry standard for insurance plan, ranging from cash-valued policy to term policy. But now, NTUC seems to be setting a new standard for the rest of other insurance company in Singapore. I wish AIA insurance agents could exert pressure on their company’s management team to up their standard again for the benefits of their clients. 

(Disclaimer: I am not an insurance agent, neither do I earn any commission from writing this blog entry). 

Short reflection on "Lifting the cup"

Other than visiting hospital for regular consultation, blood test, and injection, and receiving short visits from relatives, I have more time to read and to watch TV. In one of my most recent readings, I came across a paragraph by Henri Nouwen in his Can you drink the cup? This small booklet can be divided into three parts: 1) Holding the cup of life; 2) Lifting the cup; 3) Drinking the cup. In the second part about lifting the cup, he says,

"Mostly we are willing to look back at our lives and say: 'I am grateful for the good things that brought me to this place.' But when we lift our cup to life, we must dare to say: 'I am grateful for all that has happened to me and led me to this moment.' This gratitude which embraces all of our past is what makes our life a true gift for others, because this gratitude erases bitterness, resentments, regrets, and revenges as well as all jealousies and rivalries. It transforms our past into a fruitful gift for the future, and makes our life, all of it, into a life that gives life." (Henri J.M. Nouwen, Can you drink the cup? Bandra, Mumbai: The Pauline Sisters Bombay Society, 1996, pp.73-4)

This paragraph stands out for me because Nouwen is challenging me to be grateful for ALL that has happened to me, including my cancer. Like what he said, we are normally grateful for the good that happened to us, but not the mistakes we made, not the misfortunes that befell us, and certainly not our flaws. However, only when we truly embrace ALL our past can we truly allow God to transform us, and be a gift for ourselves and for the others. As I thought about how J.I.Packer portrays Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph, in his Knowing God, Packer highlights the character flaws in each of them, and yet God continued to mould them throughout their entire lives. The biblical author makes no effort to mask their flaws, and I believe God works with our flaws, our mistakes, and misfortunes as well, and when we fully accept who we are, we create room to acknowledge who we truly are, and the space for to share our lives with others authentically.

Riding through a storm

I went through one of the most trying periods in the last two weeks, but the harshness of my ailments has been softened by God's grace. Two weeks ago, I was still struggling badly with my sleep at night as well as learning to cope with my nausea. I also felt my stomach to be more bloated (I later learnt that my stomach is retaining water from Dr. Tay). It was a terrible experience. I prayed few times for relief and for the will and strength to live. Words cannot describe the pain I was going through during those tearful weeks after my radiotherapy. In addition to my discomfort, I had to prepare for lessons, and I was always left physically exhausted by the end of each class. As my teaching style is interactive, it consumes a lot of my energy. Six weeks ago, I was still coping well, but starting from two weeks, I ran out of breath easily and my physical exhaustion took longer to recover. Then, two weeks ago, during the weekends, both my legs became swollen (a symptom known as edema). I decided to step down from my teaching role at both Jubilee Sch and at Peoples Presbyterian Ch. I have also worked out the details of handing over with the coordinator.

I felt relieved to be freed from these teaching responsibilities even though I enjoyed every moment of teaching. I don't know why, two weeks ago, my nausea becomes more manageable, and I was able to sleep longer in the nights. I guess the side effects of my radiotherapy is starting to wear off, and I am able to rest more fully. But starting from this week, I vomited more regularly, and I started to experience light sleep again. I have switched to liquid food but that means I will get hungry more often. 

I have also stepped down from being a Bible study leader in my church. In the last few weeks, I was privileged to be driven to the Jubilee Sch of Missions and back by a dear sister (Ruiyan), encouraged by another brother (Huiqiang)'s presence during my Christian education class, as well as being grateful to a dear brother (Tim Chai) who committed himself to be my driver every Sat morning.

Two weeks back, I consulted my oncologist, Dr. Tay, at Gleneagles for follow-up. I am thankful that Dr. Tay is more thorough than my default oncologist at NCC. He shared with me that his cancer clinic is set up and run by Christian doctors. Somehow, I feel more comfortable and more peaceful when consulting him. As I believe my liver is expanding and pushing against my rib cage and my lump at the base of my neck is not shrinking, he suspects that my current medication is not working and he will be scheduling me for another CT scan at NCC (where I am subsidized), and funny thing is he is able to do so as he maintains a working relationship with NCC. Once the CT scan confirms that my tumours are growing, I will be given the third line of treatment. I have currently stopped my chemotherapy drug. So, I went for my CT scan yesterday. I was scheduled for a scan at 11.30am, so I started fasting at 8am. Then around 12pm, when my stomach was full of high contrast fluid, I vomited all of them out. It must be due to my gastric reflux. It was there then it was decided that I should be given injection dye. Immediately, after my CT scan, I drank Milo to top up my energy and it was such relief.

For my thanksgiving items and concerns:
1) I thank God and am grateful that the swelling of my legs are under control. I have to wear a special pair of socks to stimulate blood circulation, and to lift my legs above my heart level during sleep. Please pray that I will have better quality of sleep. I am also grateful that my morphine is managing my pain well, though it makes me drowsy.

2) I am very thankful for my church pastor and his wife's commitment to follow up with my parents. As his wife works closely with me at Jubilee Sch, she cares a lot about me and sends me plenty of encouragements regularly. I was really touched when she shared how I had inspired my students.

3) I continue to ask for the grace to enjoy food, and to lessen my nausea so that my body can have the energy to function properly.

4) In the event that I switch to third line of medication (and Dr. Tay will offer me a better price than at NCC), I ask God to shrink the tumours. If that is not God's will, may God allow me to live a quality life and to live in His grace. 

I hope not to have to entertain visitors as my energy level is quite low, and I pray that in this storm that I am going through right now, God's grace may be manifested. 

Enjoying a sacred moment

A dear old friend. Guozhang, invited me to his place recently for a lunch. He lives in Pinnacle@Duxton, the tallest public housing estate in Singapore, and one of the most unique since Pinnacle incorporates gardens at the 26th storey and 50th storey. The view from the sky garden on the top floor is phenomenal as you could see almost the whole stretch of the southern part of Singapore, the financial district as well as a vast horizon buildings along Orchard Road. I have known Guozhang since the year 1986, and in 1987, we were sitting next to each other in class. We have kept in touch since we graduated from primary school many years ago.  

After lunch, he brought me to the sky garden on the top floor, and we eventually ended up watching a container ship maneuvering a U-turn. As he was very interested in ships, he was able to explain to me the purpose of the red/black line on the container, as well as the purpose of smaller pulling boat. We watched a container at the Pasir Panjang terminal making a U-turn in twenty minutes, and I enjoyed listening to his explanation on the maneuvering but most of the time we kept quiet watching the container together. It has been quite a while since I last sat down listening to someone explaining new stuff to me. It was like a sacred moment. It was the sharing of life together I appreciated most. Sitting on a bench with backrest under a shade was not ideal, but I treasured the experience of watching a container making a U-turn. It was the first time I watched a container making a U-turn, and I can't say it is an extra-ordinary experience, but it was not ordinary either. Thanks, Guozhang, for making this experience possible for me.

The container in the middle of the picture is about to make a U-turn

Both my parents have accepted Christ

When my church pastor, Rev. Tay Hae Dar and his wife Pr. Esther Tan visited me on 13 Jul'11, they felt the prompting of the Spirit to share the gospel with my parents. As I was relatively tired and needed a rest badly, I retired back to my room. Then within the next hour, Pr. Esther informed me through text message that both my parents have accepted Christ! She further informed me their hearts were open to the gospel. I believe it was through three church camps and more recently, my parents witnessed more Christians coming to our home to pray with me and share God's word with me that broadened their exposure to the gospel. After so many years, and the work of the Holy Spirit. I was very delighted for my parents.

I remembered during the most recent church camp from 5-7 Jun at Desaru, Malaysia, a couple tried sharing the gospel message with my parents during the last night, but my parents felt they were too busy to be able to commit coming to the church regularly. As they supply seafood to their boss, they have to work on Sunday as well. Yet, during the third day, another sister in her 70s shared with us how the Lord guided her and protected her during all these years when she was in Taiwan and Indonesia. She has been a witness to God's faithfulness, and both my parents were all ears listening to her testimony. Then, during the house visit, my pastor convinced both my parents that they can still be Christians even if they cannot commit to regular Sunday service. My pastor and his wife also made it a point to follow up on them on a regular basis. They have prepared materials guiding my parents how to pray and on the basic beliefs of our faith.

On my part, I also made it a point to read through the gospel of Mark with them, and so far, we have reached chapter 2. It is a delight to witness my parents coming to faith, and it is also a privilege for me to be able to read the Bible together with them. Another pastor remarked to me that during this moment of my life, God's grace and power have prevailed upon my parents. It is at once a moment of darkness and also a moment of brightness to me. To that, I say "Amen".

Thanksgiving during last week

In the last one week, there was a dip in my energy level. I am exhausted more easily, and I am not sure whether it was because of my poor quality of sleep and my constant vomiting as I switched back to my oral chemotherapy (Afinitor) regime, and on top of that, I am taking morphine on daily basis as well as laxatives because the morphine causes constipation. I went for six radiotherapy treatment from 18 Jul to 25 Jul to kill the new tumours on my lumbar (which my oncologist and radiotherapist believe to be causing my back pain), and I vomited badly after the first session. Till now, I have yet to see the benefits of radiotherapy in lessening my lower back pain. Without the morphine, I simply don't know how I could manage the pain.

Despite of all the discomforts from my physical body, I experienced plenty of grace along the way. Last week Tue, I brought my father to watch a movie for the first time at Jurong Point. Then last week Thur, I resumed teaching at Jubilee Sch of Missions, and my students presented my with a bouquet of flowers and prayed for my recovery.  They said that my presence was a testimony of God's love for them. I was deeply touched. Amazingly, Ruiyan (a dear sister from my graduate fellowship) was able to offer me a ride to Jubilee Sch as well as to send to me back home. I was all the more grateful when I could also continue teaching at Peoples' Presby Ch on Sat morning, and Huiqiang (a dear brother from my graduate fellowship) sat in during the class. A cup of afternoon tea with him and another dear brother was a God-sent gift, though I found myself exhausted in the evening and the following day. Just yesterday, my church pastor and his wife followed up with my parents and this morning, I was reading the gospel of Mark together with my parents, and we watched a VCD (which I bought ten years ago for them) on the life of Jesus together. I experienced so much grace in the last one week, and I was overwhelmed with tears when I received news that a group of brothers and sisters has pledged to support me partially in my medical expenses on a monthly basis yesterday. So much grace and so many pleasant surprises in the last one week.

I believe I have experienced a spiritual breakthrough in the last few weeks. I am beginning to realize that my hope is not based on my physical recovery, but on the work done by Jesus Christ on the cross. Despite my physical conditions, I am ready to affirm with Paul in Rom 6:4-5 "Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his." Our resurrection is a reality and is beckoning us towards it. I am more authentically ready to proclaim "God is great" despite my physical ailments, and I pray for the courage and faith to affirm it everyday.

If you could, please join me in prayers for:
1) My theological students at Jubilee Sch. Some are relatively young believers, and some have a heavier disposition towards the charismatic movement. I realized some of my arguments need to fall back on biblical exegesis. This means I have to read beyond my prepared course materials. I ask for the physical strength and for the grace to be able to ground them in sound exegesis rather than on tangible experience, and may God grant me the request to see them through the coming six weeks.

2) My parents' spiritual growth. I enjoyed reading the Bible with them and I appreciate my pastor's effort to follow up on them every week. I thank God for calling my parents into relationship with Him during my lifetime, and I pray that I may finish reading the gospel of Mark with them, and may they grow in faith.

3) I pray that I will experience less nausea, increased appetite, better quality of sleep and may my tumours react to this new chemo drug.

4) I am extremely delighted with all the grace (means unmerited favour) that has been showered upon me, a sinner and a cancer patient heavily dependent on others. I ask for the courage and grace to continue my journey, and may the same grace be extended to my family members, and to all of you who have been walking with me.

Hospital - a place where God is both absent and present

While walking to the Singapore General Hospital for lunch after my CT scan at National Cancer Center two weeks ago, I passed by a patient who lost a limb, a patient with a tube sticking out of his nose, a patient who can only move about in wheelchair, a patient who need two clutches, etc. I gradually noticed that the hospital is a place of paradox. It is a place where God is absent, but also a place where God is present. For patient who does not experience healing and possibly deterioration of health, hospital is a place that does not embody God's presence. Where is God for people who do not get better? I think I found the answer also at the hospital. Those who stick by the side of these people such as their loved ones, the nurses, the doctors, they are the ones embodying God's never forsaking presence. I was moved to tears by the plight of those who do not experience God's presence and those who embody God's presence. For those who do not experience God's presence, they are the ones waiting by the pool of Sheep Gate in John 5, hoping for a miracle to take place, when the pool stirred and there was someone to help them to it. The pool is in the form of medication prescribed by our doctors today. Some are continually feed with medication but no healing takes place, and some are accelerated towards death instead. To want to be stationed at a place where God seems to be absent is a calling and a mission. It is a mission to embody God at the place where a God-vacuum exists and no one dares to step into it. I highly salute the caregivers, whether they are the immediate family members of the patient, or dedicated nurses and doctors, because only they can embody God's presence at that moment, and that moment does not repeat itself. Time that slips by does not exist any more. Opportunity to embody God for the other person happens only once. I prayed for God to be close to those who desire Him but feel His emptiness.

Things are not looking good

My latest CT scan on 28th Jun shows that my tumours to be growing and spreading, which means that my current medication is losing its effectiveness, even though I have gained weight and my blood test looks better than it was six weeks ago. I have just switched to another medication called Afinitor, which is also consumed orally and serves to inhibit tumour growth, but is twice expensive compared to my current medication. I read online about this drug and found out that patients experienced progression-free cancer averaging 4.9 months (compared to 11 months for Sutent, my previous medication), but its most common side effects consist of mouth ulcers and lowered immune system. I am also considering another drug, called Torisel, which is not available at National Cancer Center, but available at OncoCare Cancer Centre in Gleneagles.  This drug has statistically prolonged a patient's live by an average of 10.9 months, and has less side effects. This drug is administered intravenously once per week, but I am not sure about the cost yet.

Having described my current situation, next I have some important decisions to make. Whichever drug I use, I may possibly have a few months left, though I am still open to the possibility of God's intervention. I hope the drug I choose will give me quality life at affordable cost. I have started teaching systematic theology at Jubilee School of Missions and Peoples Presbyterian Church two weeks ago. My aim is to be able to finish teaching the classes in the coming eight weeks. I am about to begin the process of giving away most of my books which I accumulated over the last fifteen years. I have books ranging from philosophy, theology, Bible study, apologetics, hermeneutic, counselling, spirituality to economics from Christian perspectives. I plan to donate most of my books to the local seminaries. I also hope to begin the process of saying goodbye though it will be very emotional. Here are my updated prayer and thanksgiving items:

1) Though my physical strength has been stable in the last few months, I praying for the physical strength to teach both at Jubilee Sch of Missions and Peoples Presbyterian Church. I am not sure how my body will cope with the new drug. May there be minimal side effect.

2) I ask for the wisdom and emotional strength to plan for the next few weeks, particularly with the parting of my books and saying implicit goodbyes to those near and far away. I continue to ask for God's immense grace and for His presence to be with me and my family members.

3) I enjoy teaching at both Jubilee and Peoples Presby, and I thank God for giving me the opportunities to apply what I learnt. I also thank God for Sutent's minimal side effect in the last five months.

4) Thinking of the fact that I have terminal cancer since last year May, was diagnosed in last July, operated in last Sept, and started my chemotherapy this year in Jan, and still living now, I am very thankful.

从复活中认识与渴慕神

以下是我在万民堂长老会6月13日的证道。题目：从复活中认识与渴慕神

马可12:18 撒都该人常说没有复活的事．他们来问耶稣说、 12:19 夫子、摩西为我们写着说、人若死了、撇下妻子、没有孩子、他兄弟当娶他的妻、为哥哥生子立后。 12:20 有弟兄七人、第一个娶了妻、死了、没有留下孩子．12:21 第二个娶了他、也死了、没有留下孩子．第三个也是这样。 12:22 那七个人都没有留下孩子．末了、那妇人也死了。12:23 当复活的时候、他是那一个的妻子呢．因为他们七个人都娶过他。12:24 耶稣说、你们所以错了、岂不是因为不明白圣经、不晓得　神的大能么。12:25 人从死里复活、也不娶、也不嫁、乃像天上的使者一样。12:26 论到死人复活，你们没有念过摩西的书荆棘篇上所载的吗？　神对摩西说：“我是亚伯拉罕的　神、以撒的　神、雅各的　神。”

12:27 神不是死人的　神、乃是活人的　神。你们是大错了。 

引言

这段是撒都该人与耶稣的对话。在耶稣的时代，撒都该人是当时犹太教的四大派别之一。他们人数不多，但对政治与宗教界的影响力相当的大。撒都该人只接纳摩西五经，但他们不相信灵魂的不灭，肉身的复活，天使的存在与未来的审判。这正好与耶稣和法利赛人成为鲜明的对比。耶稣和法利赛人除了摩西五经还接纳口传的律法，他们也相信身体复活。马可福音与路加福音只记载一次耶稣与撒都该人的对话，就在这段经文有关复活的问题。

1）耶稣肯定复活

摩西五经中的申命记25：5-6节这样记载 “弟兄同居、若死了一个没有儿子、死人的妻不可出嫁外人、他丈夫的兄弟当尽弟兄的本分娶他为妻、与他同房。妇人生的长子必归死兄的名下、免得他的名在以色列中涂抹了”这样的规条其实是要保护寡妇，让寡妇始终都有个名份；同时也要确保传宗接代的延续。但是一旦你相信身体复活，问题就来了。若这寡妇前后嫁给了几个兄弟，复活时，她应该是谁的妻子？撒都该人通常会拿这个案讥笑法利赛人复活的信念。我们就看耶稣怎么回答“你们错了，不正是因为你们不明白圣经，也不晓得　神的能力吗？因为人从死里复活以后，也不娶，也不嫁，而是像天上的天使一样。”

耶稣从两个层面回应。撒都该人不明白圣经，也不晓得上帝的大能。耶稣先从上帝的大能解释。在复活的时候，整个创造会有新的状态；有能力创造的上帝也有能力使死人复活。原来在复活时，人会有新的身体，一个象天使一样不会朽坏的身体。路加福音同样记载耶稣的对话，

路加20：34-36   耶稣说 “这世界的人、有娶有嫁。惟有算为配得那世界、与从死里复活的人、也不娶也不嫁。因为他们不能再死，和天使一样；既是复活的人、就为　神的儿子。”

原来，在复活之日，人不会再经历死亡，所以也不再需要婚姻来传宗接代。旧约以赛亚书也这么记载“他已经吞灭死亡直到永远。主耶和华必擦去各人脸上的眼泪、又除掉普天下他百姓的羞辱，因为这是耶和华说的。”（赛25：8）。使徒保罗在哥林多前书也表达了他对复活的信念 “再后末期到了、那时、基督既将一切执政的、掌权的、有能的、都毁灭了、就把国交与父　神。 因为基督必要作王、等　神把一切仇敌、都放在他的脚下。  尽末了所毁灭的仇敌就是死。”（林前15：24-26）。原来从我们现在一直到复活之日还有个过程，基督将要再来，并且要消灭所有的统治者，所有的仇敌将会被毁灭，包括死亡。所以保罗能这么夸口“这必朽坏的既变成不朽坏的，这必死的既变成不死的，那时经上所记、‘死被得胜吞灭的话就应验了。’”（林前15：54）。

是的，整个创造会被改变，整个创造物会永远享受与上帝的同在。若我把现在所享有的爱看成是将来的影子，我相信那时彼此之间的爱以及对上帝的爱会是完全的，远远超越我们在人世间所享有的爱。到那时我们也不会留念现在所拥有的。那是个很美的景象，不再有眼泪，不需要娶或嫁，活在完全的爱里。路加福音也记载复活的人也是上帝的儿子，也可理解为属上帝的人或后裔。从另一个角度来说，属上帝的人一定会经历复活。那请问，谁是属上帝的人？不就是现在就与上帝有永恒关系的人吗？那么根据路加福音的理解，我可以大胆的说，我们现在属上帝的人吗一定会经历复活，而我们现在已经与未来将会发生的事有份了。我们活在现在，但我们将会是整个新创造的一份子。我们现在会经历伤痛与死亡，将来就不会，因为我们将经历复活，恢复上帝创造我们原来的目的，就是要我们荣耀祂并永远享受与祂同在。

你现在与这位上帝有永恒的关系吗？你渴慕认识这位上帝吗？若还没有，不要在等了。现在就决定要与这位上帝复合，永远成为祂的儿女。

2）死了的人还是活着的

耶稣从上帝的大能反驳了撒都该人的错误后，他接下来针对他们对圣经的误解答辩他们。他说“论到死人复活，你们没有念过摩西的书荆棘篇上所载的吗？　神对摩西说：‘我是亚伯拉罕的　神、以撒的　神、雅各的　神。’ 神不是死人的　神、乃是活人的　神。你们是大错了。  ”

耶稣在引用出埃及记3：6。这段经文对撒都该人很有权威性。那时是上帝第一次在向摩西显现，而且是在荆棘中，不是一般人所联想上帝会显现的地方。弟兄姐妹们，一个人如何介绍他自己也告诉了你他的身份，他想与你建立什么样的关系，并且接下来他会做什么或者他期望你做什么。比如你在街上遇到一位陌生人向你说：“嗨，你好。我是陈小弟，AIA公司的保险代理人。”你知道他的名字后，你就会把他的名字和保险代理联想在一起。你也知道他想与你建立个客户与代理者的关系，也要准备了解你的经济状况好让他能推销适合你能力所能承当的保险配套。所以，上帝如何向摩西宣告祂自己，也是在告诉摩西祂将与摩西所要建立的关系，并对摩西有什么样的期望。

当上帝向摩西宣告自己时，这么说“我是你父亲的　神、亚伯拉罕的　神、以撒的　神、雅各的　神”（出3：6）。亚伯拉罕，以撒与雅各是摩西的祖先。他们过世至少有400年了，为什么上帝不宣告自己曾经摩西父亲的上帝？当上帝向摩西宣告祂是他父亲的上帝，也就是他祖先的上帝，祂也在说祂现在还是他们的上帝。换句话说，摩西的祖先虽然已经过世，但是他们在上帝的眼中还是活在。路加福音这么记载20：38 “神不是死人的　神，而是活人的　神，因为在他那里的人都是活的。”最后一句从原文翻译应该是“因为对上帝来说，全都是活着的。”到底死了的人对上帝来说是怎样算是活着的？他们是否在阴间或是在一个乐园等待末日的到来? 圣经没清楚的指明。有的学者认为因为亚伯拉罕、以撒、雅各都会在末日复活，所以他们在上帝眼中被视为还是活着的。也就是说，上帝从未来的角度看现在。将会复活的人虽然现在已经死了，但因为上帝会使他们复活，所以他们对上帝来说一直都是活着的。除了这样的解释，还有另一种解释。

约瑟夫拉辛格 (Joseph Ratzinger) 就是现在天主教的教皇在他的书末世论：死亡和永生（Eschatology: Death and Eternal Life）这么说“我们被刻在上帝的记忆里。在上帝的记忆里，我们不是一个影子，不是一个纯粹的‘回忆’。存在上帝的记忆中表示我们是活着的，而且是充满生命的。”（ We are inscribed into God's memory. In God's memory we are not a shadow, a mere "recollection." Remaining in God's memory means we are alive, in a full sense of life. ）若我从这角度看，即使我死了，我仍然还活在上帝的记忆里；唯一不同的是在我还在世的时候，我有肉体，但死之后却没有了。但在上帝眼中，我还是活着的，就因为我已经被刻在祂的记忆里，所以我是充满生命的地活着。等到复活的时候，我会拥有新的身体，并永永远远与其他众圣徒一起敬拜我们的神。我比较倾向这样的解释。我们每个人都有回忆。即使是那些已经过世但对我们却很亲的人，他们虽然已不再人间了，他们还活生生的在我们的回忆里。但是，随着时间的流逝，我相信我们对他们的回忆不会像以前那么清晰。这一点，上帝的回忆跟我们人就不一样。即使是五千年前所发生的事，上帝一点一滴都丝毫不漏的记得。也就是说连我们所做过的事，所说过的话，即使我们都不记得了，上帝也不会忘记。我们什么时候欢笑，什么时候忧伤，上帝都记得。这对我来说是种安慰，因为不管我们的年日有多长，对上帝来说，我们都是活着的。不管我们在世的时候担任任何工作岗位，只好是对上帝的创造有所贡献，上帝都不会遗忘。所以我们每个人的贡献都是有意义的。有了这样的意识，我能更有勇气的活着，并活得更有生命。即使是面对死亡，我也不惧怕。

你渴慕被刻在上帝的记忆里吗？

3）上帝的信实

当上帝宣告祂是亚伯拉罕，以撒和雅各的上帝，我不禁要问自己，为什么上帝这么强调亚伯拉罕，以撒和雅各？亚伯拉罕，以撒和雅各除了是以色列人的先祖，上帝还给他们同一个应许：就是会将迦南地会赐给他们的后裔；他们的后裔必像地面的灰尘那么多；地上的万族必因他们的后裔得福。上帝向亚伯拉罕这么应许，向以撒和雅各也这么应许。这个应许有落空吗？没有。上帝当时就是透过摩西，把以色列人领出埃及，后来占领了迦南地。而耶稣是个犹太人，是亚伯拉罕的后裔。我们因为耶稣基督而蒙福，所以犹太人确实使万族蒙福。当耶稣引用荆棘篇，他除了要告诉撒都该人上帝是活人的上帝，也要告诉他们上帝的信实。因着上帝的信实，我们能有把握地相信即使我们死了，我们仍然还是活着。不久前在我国大选时，执政党强调竞选的候选人需要有好的表现记录(所谓的track record)。我们的上帝在整个人类历史中已经向我们显明祂的作为；祂的track record无人能比；祂的信实永不动摇。

对于上帝的信实，诗人有多处的歌颂：

诗篇57:9-10 主阿，我要在万民中称谢你，在列邦中歌颂你！ 因为你的慈爱高及诸天；你的诚实达到穹苍。 

这里的诚实应该理解为信实。诗人那么希望列邦都能认识上帝的慈爱与信实。我们再看另一处诗篇。

诗篇89:1-2，5 我要歌唱耶和华的慈爱直到永远！我要用口将你的信实传与万代！因我曾说，你的慈悲必建立到永远，你的信实必坚立（jian li）在天上。耶和华阿,诸天要称赞你的奇事,在圣者的会中,要称赞你的信实。

同样的，诗人要歌颂上帝的慈爱，传讲上帝的信实。连圣者的会中就是天使们都要称赞上帝的信实。我们要跟诗人一同来歌颂我们上帝的信实。上帝所应许的一切，一定会实践。耶稣也在告诉我们复活的盼望，他自己已经先经历了复活。我们即使离开人间了，在上帝的眼中我们还是活的。你们都渴慕这位信实的上帝吗？让我们一起来祷告。

我们敬拜的对象与自由

以下是我6月5日在长老会恩泽堂裕廊聚会的证道。主题：我们敬拜的对象与自由

1.  a) 我们的上帝是主动的

创3:8天起凉风的时候，那人和他的妻子听见耶和华上帝在园中行走的声音，就藏在园子的树林中，躲避耶和华上帝的面。9耶和华上帝呼唤那人，对他说∶「你在哪里？」

当亚当与夏娃犯罪后，他们一听见上帝行走的声音就躲避上帝。难道上帝不知道亚当与夏娃躲在哪里吗？为什么上帝要问“你在哪里？”这里让我们看到祂主动寻找迷失的人，主动呼唤迷失的人回到祂面前。上帝在告诉我们祂是主动者，是祂主动寻找我们。我们的上帝是个灵，祂无所不知，无所不在的。我们凭肉眼是看不到上帝的，我们的手也摸不着。若不是我们的上帝主动的向我们显现，我们是不可能认识这位上帝。若不是上帝向我们呼唤，我们也不知道上帝在哪里。唯有知道上帝在哪里，我们才知道自己在哪里。加尔文在基督教要义里说“人若不先思念上帝的性格，继而观察自己，即得不着真正的自我认识”。

上帝的主动性在整本圣经是一致的。上帝呼召亚伯拉罕时，祂也是主动的。创世记12章 “耶和华对亚伯兰说”。创世记26章 “耶和华向以撒显现 ，说”。创世记28章，上帝主动显现在雅各的梦向他说话。即使到了摩西时代，也是上帝主动在荆棘中呼唤摩西。连与以色列人主动立约时，并没有马上列出十诫。回顾我们是怎么背十诫的。我们是不是从第一诫开始“除我以外，你不可有别的神”？犹太人不是这样背的。他们究竟从哪里开始？让我们翻开圣经创世记20章2节“我是耶和华你的上帝，曾经把你从埃及地，从为奴之家领出来。”接下来才列出十诫。原来犹太人先回顾他们与上帝的关系，是这位主动带领他们从为奴之家出来的上帝与他们立约。旧约时代是如此，新约时代也是如此。

罗5：8 “唯有基督在我们还作罪人的时候为我们死，上帝对我们的爱就在此显明了。”

是上帝主动爱我们这些不可爱的人，是上帝主动透过耶稣的死使我们与祂和好。在我们还是罪人的时候，基督已经为我们死了。在我们还不能做什么挽回自己的罪的时候，上帝已经为我们完成了赎罪的代价。这不也是彰显了上帝的主动性？

认识上帝的主动性带来了什么样的自由？

b) 认识上帝的主动性所带来的自由

首先，我们不需要再寻找真神了，因为真神已经向我们启示祂自己，最具体的启示就在耶稣基督里。那创造宇宙万物的大主宰已经向我们说话了，而且这位大主宰要与我们恢复和好的关系。祂也应许我们，“你们祈求，就给你们；寻找，就寻见；叩门，就给你们开门”（马太7：7）。上帝即然主动的向我们启示祂自己，主动要与我们恢复和好的关系，我们不需要活在没有安全感的心态里，因为这位上帝比我们更认识自己。一个没有安全感的人是位不认识一位比我们更了解自己丑陋的上帝，同时又能接纳我们的上帝。因为那位创造者已经在祂的爱里肯定了我们，我们不再需要拿自己跟别人比较。这位创造者主动地呼唤我们回到祂的怀抱里。若你还在迷失当中，祂这时刻在呼唤“你在哪里？”你回应祂了吗？

2.  a) 主动性，公义与慈爱的上帝

出33：18   摩西说：“求你给我看看你的荣耀。”

出34：5   耶和华在云彩中降下来，与摩西一同站在那里，并且宣告耶和华的名字。 6   耶和华在摩西面前经过，并且宣告说：“耶和华，耶和华，是有怜悯有恩典的　神，不轻易发怒，并且有丰盛的慈爱和诚实， 7   为千千万万人留下慈爱，赦免罪孽、过犯和罪恶。一定要清除罪，追讨罪孽自父及子至孙，直到三四代。”

这位主动向我们启示的上帝不单要我们与祂和好，也要我们来认识祂。当年摩西带领以色列人在旷野时，他曾经要求看上帝的面。但摩西不能见上帝的面，只能目睹祂的荣光。上帝进一步向摩西透露祂的属性。

其实希伯来人没写下上帝的名字，因为上帝的名字是神圣的。他们只写了YHWH 做代表。念的时候用“Adonay”（阿多奈）-我的主的意思,后来的人把Adonay （阿多奈）的元音vowel与YHWH的辅音字母consonant结合，结果发音接近『雅蔚』，中文翻译使用“耶和华”。耶和华是位满有怜悯有恩典的上帝，同时也是位公义的上帝。既然祂是公义的上帝，就一定会追讨罪孽，那祂又凭什么赦免罪孽呢？乃是透过赎罪祭。罪使人与上帝对抗，献祭就是补赎这种对抗的关系。利未记四章记载了为大祭司，会众，官长赎罪的细节，其中包括该献什么动物，并怎么献法。这成了以色列人献祭的体系，也表明了上帝为祂对祂子民的爱。 为什么赎罪祭能有赎罪的功用呢？原来“动物的生命是在血里，...祭坛上的血代替了赎罪者的生命，因为血里有生命，所以能代赎生命”（利未记17:7）。为什么我们基督徒今天又不用献祭?

因为耶稣基督已经为我们献了。希伯来书 10：10   我们凭着这旨意，借着耶稣基督一次献上他的身体，就已经成圣。 10：12   唯有基督献上了一次永远有效的赎罪祭，就在　神的右边坐下来。

耶稣基督献上他自己，成为我们的赎罪祭，还清了我们罪的代价，以致我们从今以后不需要再献任何祭物。唯有耶稣基督完全的满足了上帝的公义与慈爱。你看到吗上帝是如何的爱我们吗？我们根本没办法满足上帝的公义，但上帝同时又很爱我们。耶稣基督就是这矛盾中的答案。而且我们公义又慈爱的上帝主动的差派耶稣基督成为我们和好的桥梁。认识这位主动又公义与慈爱的上帝以耶稣为我们的中保又带来什么样的自由？

b) 所带来的自由

让我们来看另一段经文，约壹 1：9   我们若承认自己的罪，　神是信实的、公义的，必定赦免我们的罪，洁净我们脱离一切不义。

为什么是信实与公义的上帝必定赦免我们的罪？为何不是慈爱的上帝必定赦免我们的罪？关键在于耶稣基督。记得耶稣在十字架上的其中一个七言“成了”？是什么成了？是上帝差派耶稣在世上的工作已经完成了。耶稣偿还罪代价的工作已经完成了。既然完成了，信实与公义的上帝必因为耶稣基督所完成的工作而赦免我们的罪，洁净我们脱离一切的不义。我们再也不需要担心自己做得不够，来满足上帝的公义。在十六世纪，有位修道士，因为常常担心自己没完全彻底的认罪，以致招惹上帝的愤怒临到他身上，所以他常用他的膝盖来爬修道院的梯子。这是个很惨痛的经历。这修道士认为罪人必须要经历皮肉上的苦，才能彻底的满足上帝的公义。后来这位修道士在教导新约圣经的过程，明白了耶稣已经完全地满足上帝的公义，不需要我们人再加以修复。若我们任何人敢加添任何修复，那表示我们认为耶稣还没完全满足上帝的公义。这位修道士领悟了这重大无比的道理后，神学思想彻底的改变，他后来也启发了宗教改革运动。这修道士就是马丁路德。

认识耶稣基督带给我们自由。就是能坦然无惧地来到这位公义又慈爱的上帝面前。这位上帝没有等我们悔改之后才为我们牺牲，乃是在我们还没悔改之前已经为我们预备了和好的道路，这更加显示上帝在基督里肯定了祂对我们的爱。活在这样的爱里就能释放我们缺乏安全感的捆绑，释放我们被世俗化价值观的制约。我们一切的价值观都必须植根在基督的爱里。我们是在基督里与上帝相遇，我们也是在基督里肯定上帝对我们的接纳，所以我们必须常活在基督里。

  

3.  a) 召我们成圣的上帝

哥林前1：2 写信给在哥林多　神的教会，就是在基督耶稣里已经被分别为圣，蒙召为圣徒的人，和所有在各地呼求我们主耶稣基督的名的人。基督是他们的主，也是我们的主。

我们已经认识我们的上帝是主动性的，是公义与慈爱的，并且耶稣基督已经成为我们与上帝和好的桥梁。那我们坐在这里的每一位弟兄姐妹都有共同的身份，我们都是在耶稣基督里分别为圣，蒙召为圣徒的人。保罗称这群人为教会。我们跟哥林多教会一样，都是呼求耶稣基督的名的人。我们这群蒙召的人必须认识那呼召我们的是上帝，是祂主动呼召我们，也是祂主动预备与祂和好的道路。我们被圣灵感动了，才能回应呼召。回应呼召的人已经从这世界分别开来，活在基督里，所以才叫做分别为圣或圣徒。圣徒既然活在基督里，就会承认基督是主，奉基督的名聚会。当我们常常聚会时，非信徒就会看到我们是如何透过言行中活出基督。一个活在基督里的群体享有什么样的自由？

b) 所带来的自由

唯有活在基督里，我们才能认识这位上帝，并且承认基督是主。唯有活在基督里，我们才能在基督的爱里找到真正的自己，我们才能向世界宣告我们所信的上帝。既然如此，我们就要审查自己的意识形态是否是以基督为主。在初期教会时期，罗马皇帝多米提安 (Domitian)封自己为神。他曾命令罗马帝国的子民拜他。那些只承认基督是主的罗马帝国基督徒遭受了极大的逼迫。同时也在初期教会时期，教会当但了照顾孤儿，寡妇，穷人与病人的责任。当时的社会除了教会以外，就没有任何一个组织愿意照顾这群被社会冷落的人。这使到不少人非常钦佩基督徒，后来他们当中也些成为基督徒。

到了第四世纪，朱利安皇帝(Julian)对基督徒的贡献下了这样的评语 “那些不虔诚的加利利人不只救济了他们当中的穷人，也救济了我们的穷人...我们平穷的没得到我们的帮助是我们的耻辱。”不虔诚的加利利人指的是不敬奉罗马神明的基督徒。自从康斯坦丁皇帝(Constantine)在第四世纪成了基督徒之后，照顾孤儿，寡妇，穷人与病人才渐渐成为社会比较普遍的现象。初期教会对社会关爱的信念就像已故的香港神学家杨牧谷在当代神学词典这样形容

神不能忽视有需要的人，但神在地上没有可行善的手，只有我们的手；没有行善的脚，只有我们的脚；是在这意义下，我们身边有需要的人就成了祂信託给我们的人，我们要为祂的缘故行善，故曰做在最小弟兄身上的，就是做在主的身上 (太二十五40、45）。

弟兄姐妹们，这就是一个活在基督里群体的自由。这样的群体能勇敢地活出以基督为主的意识形态，即使是要付出代价也愿意付出，而且这样的群体能影响整个社会。

在2002年上帝差派乌节路聚会的两个区会来文礼设教。我深信那信实的上帝既然派我们来这里设教，上帝必定会保守我们到底。我想问，在坐到弟兄姐妹，甚至是新朋友，有哪些不是来自乌节路或武吉巴督聚会的请举手。教牧长执们，你们看，这不就是上帝加添给我们的人吗？

一间以基督为首的教会必定会吸引他人来，而且一间持守活在基督里的群体必定会造福社会。因为唯有在基督里我们才能肯定自己已经被上帝接纳，价值观才会重新的调整，我们是分别为圣的，我们能一起勇敢地活出不一样的生命。

只注重物质享受与名利的人追求5C，就是: cash, credit card, car, condominium, country club (现金，信用卡，汽车，公寓，俱乐部会员），但却忘了还有一个C是必须会有，而且这个C将会把之前的5C化为零，那时什么C呢？coffin (棺材）。5月21日的《海峡时报》刊登了他们记者改选后与工人党秘书长刘程强的采访。其中一个问题是成为新加坡历史上第一个拿下集选区的反对党对刘程强是否重要。刘程强说 It is not important, because you’ll die one day. So what? （这不重要，因为有一天，你也会死。死了又怎么样？）他也意识到死亡会把他的成就化为零。基督徒也跟非信徒一样，会面对死亡。但是，基督徒所追求的C改变我们对死亡的看法。是什么C? Christ.基督。 追求活在基督里的人就会常常与这位主动性，公义与慈爱的上帝相遇。活在基督里的人不受物质的迷恋与名利追求的捆绑，还能影响身边的人。也只有活在基督里的人不惧怕死亡，才能有这报握跟使徒保罗一同说：“无论是死、是生，是天使、是掌权的，是现在的事，是将来的事，是有能力的， 是高天的、是深渊的，或是任何别的被造之物，都不能叫我们与　神的爱隔绝，这爱是在我们的主耶稣基督里的（罗8：28-29）。”请注意最后一段经文，在基督里的爱是连死亡都不能断绝的。

弟兄姐妹们，上帝要给我们的福份是何等的大，上帝要赐给我们自由，这自由是在基督的爱里。因为上帝是主动的，祂也是公义又慈爱的上帝，祂要在基督里与我们相遇，所以我们是被分别为圣的。愿一切呼求主耶稣基督名的人都能活在基督的爱中。让我们一起祷告。

『祷文：公义又信实的上帝，我们这群分别为圣的人再一次来到袮的面前祈求，愿袮透过袮的话语让我们感受得到袮那长阔高深的爱，这爱乃是在基督里。帮助我们活在基督里，好使我们能在基督里与袮相遇，让我们以整个生命回应袮的爱。愿袮赐下恩典。如此祷告乃是奉靠耶稣基督的名。阿门。』