Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Being comforted by the late preacher Ng Eng Eng (黄瑛瑛传道)
I am very grateful to the late preacher Ng Eng Eng (黄瑛瑛传道) for penning down her struggles and prayers with breast cancer before she died in 2005. I found comfort and strength in reading her journal. I am asking some of the questions she had asked, I am praying for the same healing she had prayed for, and through her journal I know I am not struggling alone. I do not know why I have cancer just like the late preacher Eng Eng did not know why she had hers. I feel guilty for having unhealthy diet in the past just like she felt years ago. I am drawn to the natural therapists the same way she did though we differ in content. Even though we are separated by space and time, I feel connected to her whenever I read her journal. It is almost like she is talking directly to me. If the Everliving God is comforting me, the late preacher Eng Eng is the avenue whereby God is comforting me. I am indeed not alone in my journey.
Meeting with my oncologist
Those who advocate food and nutrition to manage cancer are not in the mainstream, including Dr. T. Colin Campbell, who is now an esteemed professor at Cornell University in the U.S. But this alternative view is slowly catching on. Unfortunately, my oncologist is in the mainstream and follows a strict protocol on what a kidney patient should do. When I consulted her last Monday 18 Oct, at National Cancer Centre, she insisted me to go for a CT scan to establish a new baseline immediately, so that she could put me on a regime of standard adjuvant systemic treatment. My confidence in her eroded when she denied any health risk involved when exposed to a second CT scan within three months of the first (CT scan is a kind of 3D X-ray and of higher dosage than the typical 2D chest X-ray). When I asked her whether there are other ways to detect tumours in my body, she said yes but did not explore that alternative. She repeated to me that she had to establish a new baseline based on a new CT scan. My recent tumour markers (from blood test) taken last week show my major organs to be free of cancerous cells but she did not incorporate this data in our discussion. My urologist Prof. Cheng did an ultrasound scan on my abdomen for presence of tumour two weeks ago and there was none, but this was not mentioned in our conversation either.
I wanted to know why my white blood cell count is still normal inspite of the cancerous cells in my body and she suggested that kidney cancerous cells could not be detected from blood test. She made me more puzzled by scheduling me for another blood test before my next appointment with her. I was also curious how Prof. Teh (a kidney cancer researcher)'s research on my tumour cells would affect my chemotherapy and she told me she was unaware of the outcome and I would be prescribed the standard treatment plan. As I am still young, the treatment will be intensified, i.e. instead of taking one pill per day, I will be taking three pills per day. I might experience side effects such as low immune system and/or low red blood, but she did not inform me of the possible peeling off of skin on hand and feet which happened to 30-50% of the patients given this drug in the U.S.
I felt frustrated talking to my oncologist. She was giving me standard answer and following a standard guideline on what she should do. I would have been more comfortable if she had been honest with me about what she knew and what she did not know, and was willing to explore alternative with me. It seems like she was representing the interest of medical establishment and I was more like a digit to her. My consultation with her was a far cry from my urologist who presented me with choices, was honest with my risks, the types of risks and the percentage of risks. I managed to postpone my coming CT scan to three weeks later (on 8 Nov) instead of one week from now, and my next appointment with her falls on 15 Nov (Mon).
I am not sure whether to proceed with the CT scan. If I do proceed and if the scan shows my cancerous cells to be localized in one area, i.e. my neck lymph nodes, should I still go for chemotherapy or should I wait for the cells to shrink by themselves? Chemo is usually for cancerous cells that have spread beyond primary site and not ideal to remove by surgery. If indeed my remaining cancerous cells are not localized, is chemo really the best option? Should I seek another opinion? If yes, which oncologist? I am praying for the inner peace to make the most appropriate decision.
I wanted to know why my white blood cell count is still normal inspite of the cancerous cells in my body and she suggested that kidney cancerous cells could not be detected from blood test. She made me more puzzled by scheduling me for another blood test before my next appointment with her. I was also curious how Prof. Teh (a kidney cancer researcher)'s research on my tumour cells would affect my chemotherapy and she told me she was unaware of the outcome and I would be prescribed the standard treatment plan. As I am still young, the treatment will be intensified, i.e. instead of taking one pill per day, I will be taking three pills per day. I might experience side effects such as low immune system and/or low red blood, but she did not inform me of the possible peeling off of skin on hand and feet which happened to 30-50% of the patients given this drug in the U.S.
I felt frustrated talking to my oncologist. She was giving me standard answer and following a standard guideline on what she should do. I would have been more comfortable if she had been honest with me about what she knew and what she did not know, and was willing to explore alternative with me. It seems like she was representing the interest of medical establishment and I was more like a digit to her. My consultation with her was a far cry from my urologist who presented me with choices, was honest with my risks, the types of risks and the percentage of risks. I managed to postpone my coming CT scan to three weeks later (on 8 Nov) instead of one week from now, and my next appointment with her falls on 15 Nov (Mon).
I am not sure whether to proceed with the CT scan. If I do proceed and if the scan shows my cancerous cells to be localized in one area, i.e. my neck lymph nodes, should I still go for chemotherapy or should I wait for the cells to shrink by themselves? Chemo is usually for cancerous cells that have spread beyond primary site and not ideal to remove by surgery. If indeed my remaining cancerous cells are not localized, is chemo really the best option? Should I seek another opinion? If yes, which oncologist? I am praying for the inner peace to make the most appropriate decision.
Three different approaches to cancer treatment
I discovered three different approaches to cancer treatment. The mainstream, i.e. Western medicine, believes that cancer can happen to anyone, and the only way to cure it is to kill it. The other end of the spectrum believes that cancer is a result of your diet and lifestyle. If you could change your diet and lifestyle, you could halt and reverse the growth of cancer. However, this is not the mainstream yet. The middle-path, i.e. Chinese medicine, is less conclusive and will complement the Western treatment by boosting the Qi (气) which is the energy in the body in order to combat the disease better.
The Singapore National Cancer Centre is in the mainstream. The natural therapists are on the opposite end. I have met few natural therapists, and one of them, Dr. Willy Wang who did research in human tissues previously and who pioneered his health product known as Fit Solution, studied my most recent health screen report suggests that I need not go for chemotherapy. According to his theory, the reason why cancerous cells occur across multiple sites in the body is not because those at the primary site metastasise and grow into another location, but the weakening of the overall immune system and the need for the lymphocytes (the B-cells and T-cells that attack foreign bodies and infected cells respectively) to concentrate at one site. As our cancerous cells usually stay dormant, when the overall immune system weakens either through chemotherapy or other agents, we are giving the dormant cancerous cells a chance to become active. In another scenario, if the lymphocytes are drawn to one location, such as during a major operation when the operated site is exposed to bacteria, the other sites will have relatively less T-cells and B-cells and thus increases the likelihood of cancerous cells to become active. He suggests this is why many cancerous patients experience metastasis after chemotherapy, not before. This is the first time I heard such theory or perhaps simply an hypothesis with no supporting empirical evidence.
I also came across T. Colin Campbell's The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted, published in 2004 that documents strong correlation between animal-protein and cancer growth and other diseases. In his book, I am delighted to read that in studies done by Sir Richard Doll and Sir Richard Peto of the University of Oxford back in 1981, they concluded that 2-3% of all cancers are attributed to genes. Dr. Campbell did a wide range of research related to cancer for twenty-seven years with funding from U.S. National Institutes of Health, the American Cancer Society and the American Institute for Cancer Research that shows conclusively diet's relationship to cancer, and his research surprisingly led him to examine studies related to heart disease, autoimmune diseases, bone, kidney, eye and brain diseases. He found that those whose blood cholesterol were below 150 mg/dL did not report any heart disease (i.e. stroke, chest pain and heart attack), while those between 150-200 mg/dL showed 35% chance of having heart disease. By switching to a diet consisting of whole grains, fruits and vegetable, patients' blood cholesterol improved and the heart disease rate dropped dramatically. Dr. Campbell did a comprehensive study with other researchers that documented Chinese diet in rural China, compared their data with typical American diet to nail down the types of diet associated with cancer and they did experiments with rats to confirm their hypothesis. As this book is heavily substantiated with empirical studies, I would suggest this to be a MUST READ for anyone who is very concerned with his/her health.
The latest research according to Dr. William Li on http://www.ted.com/talks/william_li.html (a 20-min presentation back in Feb 2010 and in plain language) shows that we can indeed eat to reverse cancer. All of us have cancerous cells within our bodies. Even if the cancerous cells are activated due to mutation as we age, so long as the cancerous cells are not given the environment to grow, they will stay dormant. According to Dr. Willy Wang and another natural therapist Tay Swee How, another factor that contributes to cancer growth is the body's pH level. If one's body is more acidic, it is more likely for cancerous cells to thrive. So, we have to include food that helps to alkalise our body when broken down in the body in our daily diet. Dr. Susan E. Brown's The Acid Alkaline Food Guide provides simple explanations of pH effects on body and a long list of acid/alkaline food.
The Singapore National Cancer Centre is in the mainstream. The natural therapists are on the opposite end. I have met few natural therapists, and one of them, Dr. Willy Wang who did research in human tissues previously and who pioneered his health product known as Fit Solution, studied my most recent health screen report suggests that I need not go for chemotherapy. According to his theory, the reason why cancerous cells occur across multiple sites in the body is not because those at the primary site metastasise and grow into another location, but the weakening of the overall immune system and the need for the lymphocytes (the B-cells and T-cells that attack foreign bodies and infected cells respectively) to concentrate at one site. As our cancerous cells usually stay dormant, when the overall immune system weakens either through chemotherapy or other agents, we are giving the dormant cancerous cells a chance to become active. In another scenario, if the lymphocytes are drawn to one location, such as during a major operation when the operated site is exposed to bacteria, the other sites will have relatively less T-cells and B-cells and thus increases the likelihood of cancerous cells to become active. He suggests this is why many cancerous patients experience metastasis after chemotherapy, not before. This is the first time I heard such theory or perhaps simply an hypothesis with no supporting empirical evidence.
I also came across T. Colin Campbell's The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted, published in 2004 that documents strong correlation between animal-protein and cancer growth and other diseases. In his book, I am delighted to read that in studies done by Sir Richard Doll and Sir Richard Peto of the University of Oxford back in 1981, they concluded that 2-3% of all cancers are attributed to genes. Dr. Campbell did a wide range of research related to cancer for twenty-seven years with funding from U.S. National Institutes of Health, the American Cancer Society and the American Institute for Cancer Research that shows conclusively diet's relationship to cancer, and his research surprisingly led him to examine studies related to heart disease, autoimmune diseases, bone, kidney, eye and brain diseases. He found that those whose blood cholesterol were below 150 mg/dL did not report any heart disease (i.e. stroke, chest pain and heart attack), while those between 150-200 mg/dL showed 35% chance of having heart disease. By switching to a diet consisting of whole grains, fruits and vegetable, patients' blood cholesterol improved and the heart disease rate dropped dramatically. Dr. Campbell did a comprehensive study with other researchers that documented Chinese diet in rural China, compared their data with typical American diet to nail down the types of diet associated with cancer and they did experiments with rats to confirm their hypothesis. As this book is heavily substantiated with empirical studies, I would suggest this to be a MUST READ for anyone who is very concerned with his/her health.
The latest research according to Dr. William Li on http://www.ted.com/talks/william_li.html (a 20-min presentation back in Feb 2010 and in plain language) shows that we can indeed eat to reverse cancer. All of us have cancerous cells within our bodies. Even if the cancerous cells are activated due to mutation as we age, so long as the cancerous cells are not given the environment to grow, they will stay dormant. According to Dr. Willy Wang and another natural therapist Tay Swee How, another factor that contributes to cancer growth is the body's pH level. If one's body is more acidic, it is more likely for cancerous cells to thrive. So, we have to include food that helps to alkalise our body when broken down in the body in our daily diet. Dr. Susan E. Brown's The Acid Alkaline Food Guide provides simple explanations of pH effects on body and a long list of acid/alkaline food.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Loopholes in local advertisements
Recently, I have noticed loopholes in local advertisements, and I would like to highlight some of the pitfalls so that the viewers can be more discreet in selecting products/services.
One of the slimming advertisements claims to help the consumer shed 12.8 kg in ten weeks, assuming the consumer loses 1 kg per week. The formula in the slimming pill is supposed to suppress appetite by a certain percent while burning more calories by a certain percent. The numerical values seem to give the impression that this product has been scientifically proven or else how does the statistics come from? But the numerical values are no where supported in the advertisement. The spokesperson of this product is a well-known MediaCorp (Singapore's only media corporation) artiste and she made a few fallacies in representing this product. She claims to lose 2 kg in two weeks, and she has experienced no side effect after incorporating this product into her diet. Let's examine some of the fallacies in her claims:
As such, this slim-pill advertisement is not credible even if a local celebrity has been paid to represent it as its claims are not backed up substantially. This is not the only local advertisement with loopholes. There is a hair loss treatment center that engages two MediaCorp artistes to represent their center. However, I do not know of any news when these two artistes lost their hairs significantly (or perhaps they did not disclose it). There were no photos showing how their hairs looked like before treatment and after treatment. This advertisement is so funny because these two artistes seemed to have been picked up randomly to represent this treatment center.
I would suggest that in any advertisement that seeks to showcase the effects of its product, it should compare the participants before and after consumption/treatment. The participants ought to be those in need of the service or product rather than good-looking celebrities who are not in apparent need of this service/product. In any scientific studies, there will always be a group of participants studied over a period of stated time in order for the statistics to be deemed credible. In addition, there will almost always be additional clause like under what condition the effect is not being observed. If the local advertisement wants to employ statistics, it should adhere to a stringent requirement or else it should be classified as pseudo-science. I wish the local advertisements could be more critical in marketing their products and services.
If I were to vote for advertisements which are credible, I think my highest vote would go to Sensodyne and Colgate toothpaste (disclaimer: I do not earn any commission from Sensodyne or Colgate). Sensodyne claims that its product is effective against pain from cold water. Six participants with sensitive teeth were selected to rub the toothpaste against their teeth for 60 seconds before drinking cold water or eating ice cream, and their reactions were recorded (and of course, edited). As each of them verbalized the effectiveness of the toothpaste differently, this adds credibility to this product. Colgate on the other hand claims to be effective against bacteria on teeth. A Colgate representative asked a participant to have his/her teeth scanned for bacteria before using its toothpaste for a day and after using it in its advertisement. The result is obvious, and as the participant in each Colgate advertisement is different, this adds credibility to the product. I would suggest this type of advertisement to be the benchmark for any advertisement based on scientific claim(s).
One of the slimming advertisements claims to help the consumer shed 12.8 kg in ten weeks, assuming the consumer loses 1 kg per week. The formula in the slimming pill is supposed to suppress appetite by a certain percent while burning more calories by a certain percent. The numerical values seem to give the impression that this product has been scientifically proven or else how does the statistics come from? But the numerical values are no where supported in the advertisement. The spokesperson of this product is a well-known MediaCorp (Singapore's only media corporation) artiste and she made a few fallacies in representing this product. She claims to lose 2 kg in two weeks, and she has experienced no side effect after incorporating this product into her diet. Let's examine some of the fallacies in her claims:
- The product claims to help the consumer shed 12.8 kg in ten weeks, while she lost 2 kg in two weeks. Does that mean that in the other eight weeks, she did not experience any loss in weight? Or does it mean that she consumed the pills for only two weeks? If either one is true, she cannot really speak on behalf of the product.
- This spokesperson did not state how long she has been consuming the pill. This is important because the consumer who is taking the pill has the right to know any short-term side effects and long-term side effects. Previously, another local actress Andrea De Cruz took slimming pill containing a variant of fenfluramine, an appetite suppressant, for some time before her kidney failure in 2002, and she was only 28 years old then. So, when this spokesperson claims to experience no side-effect, she should add an additional clause of "after on this pill for how long".
- This spokesperson is already slim in the first place before representing the product. I would not have noticed any loss of weight even if she did not lose 2 kg. If there was a contrast like her weight before taking the pill consistently for ten weeks and after, this advertisement would be slightly more credible.
- If there were more participants testifying to have experienced weight loss during the trial period and listing all side effects during and after the trial period (which should include blood test for all organs functionality), then this advertisement would have passed its credibility test. According to Professor Leung Ping-chung, chairman of the Institute of Chinese Medicine at the Chinese University of Hong Kong, "What can be O.K. for a month can cause serious damage over the long term." (Refer to http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,333902,00.html#ixzz127CkSZ5g). This means that no side effect now does not imply no side effect in future.
As such, this slim-pill advertisement is not credible even if a local celebrity has been paid to represent it as its claims are not backed up substantially. This is not the only local advertisement with loopholes. There is a hair loss treatment center that engages two MediaCorp artistes to represent their center. However, I do not know of any news when these two artistes lost their hairs significantly (or perhaps they did not disclose it). There were no photos showing how their hairs looked like before treatment and after treatment. This advertisement is so funny because these two artistes seemed to have been picked up randomly to represent this treatment center.
I would suggest that in any advertisement that seeks to showcase the effects of its product, it should compare the participants before and after consumption/treatment. The participants ought to be those in need of the service or product rather than good-looking celebrities who are not in apparent need of this service/product. In any scientific studies, there will always be a group of participants studied over a period of stated time in order for the statistics to be deemed credible. In addition, there will almost always be additional clause like under what condition the effect is not being observed. If the local advertisement wants to employ statistics, it should adhere to a stringent requirement or else it should be classified as pseudo-science. I wish the local advertisements could be more critical in marketing their products and services.
If I were to vote for advertisements which are credible, I think my highest vote would go to Sensodyne and Colgate toothpaste (disclaimer: I do not earn any commission from Sensodyne or Colgate). Sensodyne claims that its product is effective against pain from cold water. Six participants with sensitive teeth were selected to rub the toothpaste against their teeth for 60 seconds before drinking cold water or eating ice cream, and their reactions were recorded (and of course, edited). As each of them verbalized the effectiveness of the toothpaste differently, this adds credibility to this product. Colgate on the other hand claims to be effective against bacteria on teeth. A Colgate representative asked a participant to have his/her teeth scanned for bacteria before using its toothpaste for a day and after using it in its advertisement. The result is obvious, and as the participant in each Colgate advertisement is different, this adds credibility to the product. I would suggest this type of advertisement to be the benchmark for any advertisement based on scientific claim(s).
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Toxic Food and Advertisement
Ever since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I have been reading books on food, and watched a close eye on the food I am consuming and the food advertisement on TV. I am amazed by how much advertisements the fast-food industry have invested in and the images they portray. Take for instance, to satisfy their customers, one of them has come up with "double-the-size" burger.
According to Dr. Susan Brown and Larry Triveri who did a comprehensive study on how food affects the pH levels in our body, almost all fast foods are acid-producing food. That means if you eat a fried fish sandwich, it will cause your body pH level to be more acidic. The body then has to make extra effort to restore the pH balance and leads to a depletion of alkali mineral reserves in the body. If this takes place over a period of time, the body will be more prone to various symptoms such as accelerated aging, increased production of free radicals, increased risk of kidney stone formation, more fertile breeding ground for many viruses (including cancer according to Andreas Moritz in his Cancer Is Not A Disease - It's A Survival Mechanism), etc. Dr. Brown and Triveri compiled many pages of guide to acidic/alkaline-producing food. Generally, most people suffer from overdose of acidosis-related problem and I just want to highlight the food that I used to indulge in fast-food restaurant below:
When I saw "double-the-size" burgers on TV, they no longer appeal to me. In fact, chicken/fish/beef sandwiches as listed by Dr. Brown and Trivieri are very acidic-producing food. I do not know how many burgers I had consumed in the past, particularly during the last three years I was in Boston. My cancer has forced me to re-examine my diet and to change my diet completely. The relation between food and health is affirmed by Colin Campbell's The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted. John Robbins, author of Diet for a New America, Reclaiming our Health and The Food Revolution said this in the foreword of Campbell's The China Study,
-John Robbins, Foreword in The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted by T. Colin Campbell and Thomas M. Campbell II.
No wonder many people are confused about food nutrition and health. Most food industry have portrayed a healthy image associated with their food. This also leads me to ponder on the ethic of food industry and advertisement. Does it mean that so long as the fast-food industry has the ability to buy an advertisement slot and so long as their food is not on the prohibited list of the local health authority, they are entitled to air their product, even if the product might lead to disease in the long run? Yes, I acknowledge that in the market economy, economic profit is the guideline for making economic decision. But what if economic profit comes at the expense of the consumers' health?
I am not here to challenge the local health authority, but at least I can raise the awareness (but whose awareness, I am wondering) between food nutrition and health through my blog and to speak from the ground of morality. The books I read and the studies I quoted by experts so far all testify the unhealthiness of fried food, and in my outline above, I pointed out the fast-food in particular. In the market economy, I suppose the consumers have to find out for ourselves what are really good for us through education and access to information despite the professional advertisements hitting us everyday.
According to Dr. Susan Brown and Larry Triveri who did a comprehensive study on how food affects the pH levels in our body, almost all fast foods are acid-producing food. That means if you eat a fried fish sandwich, it will cause your body pH level to be more acidic. The body then has to make extra effort to restore the pH balance and leads to a depletion of alkali mineral reserves in the body. If this takes place over a period of time, the body will be more prone to various symptoms such as accelerated aging, increased production of free radicals, increased risk of kidney stone formation, more fertile breeding ground for many viruses (including cancer according to Andreas Moritz in his Cancer Is Not A Disease - It's A Survival Mechanism), etc. Dr. Brown and Triveri compiled many pages of guide to acidic/alkaline-producing food. Generally, most people suffer from overdose of acidosis-related problem and I just want to highlight the food that I used to indulge in fast-food restaurant below:
Dr. Susan E. Brown and Larry Trivieri, Jr., The Acid Alkaline Food Guide: A Quick Reference to Foods & Their Effect on pH Levels (Garden City Park, NY: Squareone Publishers, 2006). pp. 162-3.
When I saw "double-the-size" burgers on TV, they no longer appeal to me. In fact, chicken/fish/beef sandwiches as listed by Dr. Brown and Trivieri are very acidic-producing food. I do not know how many burgers I had consumed in the past, particularly during the last three years I was in Boston. My cancer has forced me to re-examine my diet and to change my diet completely. The relation between food and health is affirmed by Colin Campbell's The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted. John Robbins, author of Diet for a New America, Reclaiming our Health and The Food Revolution said this in the foreword of Campbell's The China Study,
You pick up an issue of National Geographic Kids, a magazine published by the National Geographic Society "for ages six and up," expecting to find wholesome reading for youngsters. The pages, however, are filled with ads for Twinkies, M&Ms, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Hostess Cup Cakes and Xtreme Jell-O Pudding Sticks.
This is what scientists and food activists at Yale University call a toxic food environment. It is the environment in which most of us live today.
The inescapable fact is that certain people are making an awful lot of money today selling foods that are unhealthy. They want you to keep eating the foods they sell, even though doing so makes you fat, depletes your vitality and shortens and degrades your life. They want you docile, compliant and ignorant. They do not want you informed, active and passionately alive, and they are quite willing to spend billions of dollars annually to accomplish their goals.
-John Robbins, Foreword in The China Study: The Most Comprehensive Study of Nutrition Ever Conducted by T. Colin Campbell and Thomas M. Campbell II.
No wonder many people are confused about food nutrition and health. Most food industry have portrayed a healthy image associated with their food. This also leads me to ponder on the ethic of food industry and advertisement. Does it mean that so long as the fast-food industry has the ability to buy an advertisement slot and so long as their food is not on the prohibited list of the local health authority, they are entitled to air their product, even if the product might lead to disease in the long run? Yes, I acknowledge that in the market economy, economic profit is the guideline for making economic decision. But what if economic profit comes at the expense of the consumers' health?
I am not here to challenge the local health authority, but at least I can raise the awareness (but whose awareness, I am wondering) between food nutrition and health through my blog and to speak from the ground of morality. The books I read and the studies I quoted by experts so far all testify the unhealthiness of fried food, and in my outline above, I pointed out the fast-food in particular. In the market economy, I suppose the consumers have to find out for ourselves what are really good for us through education and access to information despite the professional advertisements hitting us everyday.
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Finding my voice in the book of Job
I have been wrestling with God since I have slowly regained my strength after my operation. As I was reading the book of Job from the Message Bible few days ago, Job gave me voices to some of my cries:
Job 3:23-26
What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning?
"Instead of bread I get groans for my supper,then leave the table and vomit my anguish.
The worst of my fears has come true, what I've dreaded most has happened.
My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed. No rest for me, ever—death has invaded life."
(The Message)
Job 6:11
Where's the strength to keep my hopes up? What future do I have to keep me going?
(The Message)
The beautiful part of Job is not in the ending where God blesses him more than before nor is it in the beginning where the challenge between God and Satan takes place, but in Job's courage to wrestle with God, to question why he is suffering, and to challenge his friends' wisdom. As I prepare myself for the coming chemo plan, I have also asked whether God is punishing me for all the misdeeds I had done in the past. I feel like God is squashing me. I feel like "The arrows of God Almighty are in me, poison arrows—and I'm poisoned all through!" (Job 6:3) I have no future to look forward to, even though deep in my heart I look so much forward to healing, whether through chemo, or natural juice or Chinese herbs or through God's direct intervention. My pain and suffering does not make sense, just like the pain and suffering of many others which do not make sense. Eugene Peterson said it well in his introduction to the book of Job that suffering is harder to comprehend for those who believe in God. Two weeks back, I learned that I inherit a gene that leads to higher risk of kidney cancer, and I don't understand why I inherit this in the first place. Perhaps God's design is flawed and He has designed this world to be broken so that the beauty that shines through this brokenness is more amazing than a flawless one. God has put in place His physical laws in place after the Big Bang. As living cells evolve into more complex beings, our existence in this limited time-space dimension also inherently meant that we are built to live with imperfections and mutations, with disease, illness, death.
How then do I understand the word "good' and "very good" in the first two chapters of Genesis? I would suggest that "good" does not mean perfect, but when God's creation progressed from formless chaos to light on the first day, to separation of sky and sea on the second, to dry land and plants on the third, to appearance of heavenly bodies to inhabit the sky on the fourth, to living creatures to populate the seas and air on the fifth, and the earth on the sixth, all these are described as good. The appearance of human beings as the apex of creation are marked as very good. The adjectives "good" and "very good" do not tell us anything much about evolution but the emergence of order and complex organisms from chaos is qualified as "good" and finally "very good" by the biblical author. The biblical author further understands death to result from disobedience to Jehovah. The text was written in premodern society and probably in the exilic period. The modern readers will probably ask whether this story is literally true. I am of the inclination that this text informs me of God's sovereignty and power over all creation, and further instructs me that there is only one Creator. I do not read the text literally as though there were six days of creation and death entered the world at a definite time. I am more comfortable believing that every living creature has a limited lifespan at the moment of creation, and it is through a long convoluted process of evolution that human beings come into existence. God oversaw this whole process and gave living creatures the freedom to be. It is in this context that I think God has designed this world to be broken in the first place. Diseases, death, mutations, illnesses are part of our structure and it seems like suffering is not to eliminated but ironically, to be dignified while creating space for God to continue speaking to us at our existential moment. This does not mean that I endorse suffering, in fact, I wish there were no sufferings. If suffering cannot be avoided, it has be manged, and within God's community of people, suffering can contained, honored and dignified. Precisely because our God enters into our suffering in Jesus Christ, God sees and shares our pain and suffering. Followers of Christ are similarly called to share suffering together, while hoping and working towards a day when suffering will be of no more, because God's creation has been transformed and we are in the everlasting presence of our glorious eternal God.
Job 3:23-26
What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning?
"Instead of bread I get groans for my supper,then leave the table and vomit my anguish.
The worst of my fears has come true, what I've dreaded most has happened.
My repose is shattered, my peace destroyed. No rest for me, ever—death has invaded life."
(The Message)
Job 6:11
Where's the strength to keep my hopes up? What future do I have to keep me going?
(The Message)
The beautiful part of Job is not in the ending where God blesses him more than before nor is it in the beginning where the challenge between God and Satan takes place, but in Job's courage to wrestle with God, to question why he is suffering, and to challenge his friends' wisdom. As I prepare myself for the coming chemo plan, I have also asked whether God is punishing me for all the misdeeds I had done in the past. I feel like God is squashing me. I feel like "The arrows of God Almighty are in me, poison arrows—and I'm poisoned all through!" (Job 6:3) I have no future to look forward to, even though deep in my heart I look so much forward to healing, whether through chemo, or natural juice or Chinese herbs or through God's direct intervention. My pain and suffering does not make sense, just like the pain and suffering of many others which do not make sense. Eugene Peterson said it well in his introduction to the book of Job that suffering is harder to comprehend for those who believe in God. Two weeks back, I learned that I inherit a gene that leads to higher risk of kidney cancer, and I don't understand why I inherit this in the first place. Perhaps God's design is flawed and He has designed this world to be broken so that the beauty that shines through this brokenness is more amazing than a flawless one. God has put in place His physical laws in place after the Big Bang. As living cells evolve into more complex beings, our existence in this limited time-space dimension also inherently meant that we are built to live with imperfections and mutations, with disease, illness, death.
How then do I understand the word "good' and "very good" in the first two chapters of Genesis? I would suggest that "good" does not mean perfect, but when God's creation progressed from formless chaos to light on the first day, to separation of sky and sea on the second, to dry land and plants on the third, to appearance of heavenly bodies to inhabit the sky on the fourth, to living creatures to populate the seas and air on the fifth, and the earth on the sixth, all these are described as good. The appearance of human beings as the apex of creation are marked as very good. The adjectives "good" and "very good" do not tell us anything much about evolution but the emergence of order and complex organisms from chaos is qualified as "good" and finally "very good" by the biblical author. The biblical author further understands death to result from disobedience to Jehovah. The text was written in premodern society and probably in the exilic period. The modern readers will probably ask whether this story is literally true. I am of the inclination that this text informs me of God's sovereignty and power over all creation, and further instructs me that there is only one Creator. I do not read the text literally as though there were six days of creation and death entered the world at a definite time. I am more comfortable believing that every living creature has a limited lifespan at the moment of creation, and it is through a long convoluted process of evolution that human beings come into existence. God oversaw this whole process and gave living creatures the freedom to be. It is in this context that I think God has designed this world to be broken in the first place. Diseases, death, mutations, illnesses are part of our structure and it seems like suffering is not to eliminated but ironically, to be dignified while creating space for God to continue speaking to us at our existential moment. This does not mean that I endorse suffering, in fact, I wish there were no sufferings. If suffering cannot be avoided, it has be manged, and within God's community of people, suffering can contained, honored and dignified. Precisely because our God enters into our suffering in Jesus Christ, God sees and shares our pain and suffering. Followers of Christ are similarly called to share suffering together, while hoping and working towards a day when suffering will be of no more, because God's creation has been transformed and we are in the everlasting presence of our glorious eternal God.
Living with a grim prognosis
I had my operation at Singapore General Hospital (SGH) on 9 Sep'10 to remove my primary tumour and right kidney. I was so weak after the operation that I had to depend on others for shower in the next two days, and to get up from my bed on my own in the next four days. I had almost no abdominal muscle at all in the one week after the operation. I had to live with the pain and woke up almost every night in the next three weeks. However, I am slowly regaining my strength with each passing week. I went back to SGH to remove the twenty-nine staples across my abdomen on 1 Oct'10, as well as to consult my urologist on my prognosis. My urologist, Prof. Christopher Cheng, advised me of three possible scenarios:
1) My remaining cancerous cells are confined within the lymph nodes on my neck, and the chemotherapy will shrink them and will make it safe enough for a surgery to remove them next year. This is the best case scenario, but not likely to happen.
2) There are cancerous cells lurking in the rest of my lymph nodes and they do not respond to the chemo and will invade the other organs in my body. This is the worst case scenario, but not likely to happen too.
3) The cancerous cells will react to the drug used in chemo and shrink. However, after the end of chemo, they will grow back again. Then a second type of drug will be employed to shrink these cells as they might be immune to the first drug. I will also be considered for clinical trial. This process will repeat until the type of drugs are exhausted. This method will probably prolong my life for one year to one year and a half, and is the most likely scenario.
He also shared with me some cases which are out of the ordinary. He has a kidney cancer patient who ought to have died ten years ago but is living well today. He has another kidney cancer patient who did not have recurrent symptom in the last fifteen years until recently when the dormant kidney cancerous cells spread to the nose. From Western medicine point of view, if a patient has survived beyond five years, the cancer is considered 99% cured. If beyond ten years, he/she is considered 99.9% cured. His general advice for me is to stay optimistic and to pray hard, for my future is still unknown despite of the statistics. His prognosis for me is similar to the specialists' whom I consulted at Massachusetts General Hospital two months ago. The good news is that my operation has removed up to 90% of my tumour load, and I am recovering well. Prof. Bin-Tean Teh is using with my tumour tissue to cultivate cell-line to test for drug reaction. I was told by Prof. Cheng that this is a patented technique which is not available at Mass General Hosp yet. Sound like I came back to Singapore at the right time. I had also donated my blood for other cancer research projects.
Ever since I have been informed that my kidney cancer is hereditary in nature, I started asking God "why me?" It took me some time to absorb the fact that I am a high risk cancer patient, which means and no matter what I did in the past, I am still more likely to develop cancer. It also occurred to me there are countless victims who suffered or are suffering for no apparent reason. The Hong Kong hostages killed in Manila two months back were innocent victims. The Polish tourists who died two weeks ago on their way back from Germany when their bus crashed were also innocent victims. The flood victims suffering in Pakistan are innocent too. So are those who are born handicapped and challenged in one way or another. I am not able to comprehend why Jesus says "Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him" in John 9:3. How are God's works manifested in people who suffered for no apparent reason? I once thought I knew the answer until I myself am struck with cancer. I once assumed that God's works would be manifested through the response of others. Now, I no longer find this assumption adequate. I was struggling hard with this question again until I came across Eugene Peterson's introduction to the book of Job in his translated Bible (I still struggle but with less intensity). Below are three paragraphs which are particularly helpful to me:
Eugene Peterson does not answer why one suffers but at least through his passage, I am able to imagine a God who not only sees our suffering, but shares our pain. Suffering can be dignified and creates a space for God to speak to me existentially. I pray that I could experience God speaking to me once again in the midst of my own pain and suffering, even though I may not know why I inherit a defective gene. I do not know why I am struck with cancer at a young age and before I could continue on with my second Master degree in theology, but I am comforted knowing that God shares my pain and suffering. I am also comforted to be surrounded by people called to be the church, who are also called to be Christ's witness till the end of time. There are so many unknowns, including why Senior Minister of State for Foreign Affairs Dr Balaji Sadasivan died of colon cancer at the age of 55 last week, but to live in the unknown and to trust that God is walking with me is a walk of faith.
I have been asked hypothetically many times what I would do if Jesus Christ were to return tonight: I would continue to live the same way I am living now. Now, I am living with another set of question: If Christ were to return any time, and I have one more year to live, how would I live? I would like to spend time with my family members, read theological books and to take local theological class if possible, correspond through email, update my blog, worship together with my brothers and sisters, enjoy fellowship together, and to continue staying hopeful that I will be physically healed, whether through chemotherapy, Chinese herbs or natural juices. I will also continue to keep you posted on my medical condition. My appointment with my oncologist at National Cancer Centre to discuss my chemo plan is on 18 Oct (Mon).
Lastly, there are three video clips in Mandarin on Youtube about a Taiwanese neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer eight years ago, was told he would not live more than three years, and is still alive and well today. I am learning to live with the gift of living in the unknown.
1) My remaining cancerous cells are confined within the lymph nodes on my neck, and the chemotherapy will shrink them and will make it safe enough for a surgery to remove them next year. This is the best case scenario, but not likely to happen.
2) There are cancerous cells lurking in the rest of my lymph nodes and they do not respond to the chemo and will invade the other organs in my body. This is the worst case scenario, but not likely to happen too.
3) The cancerous cells will react to the drug used in chemo and shrink. However, after the end of chemo, they will grow back again. Then a second type of drug will be employed to shrink these cells as they might be immune to the first drug. I will also be considered for clinical trial. This process will repeat until the type of drugs are exhausted. This method will probably prolong my life for one year to one year and a half, and is the most likely scenario.
He also shared with me some cases which are out of the ordinary. He has a kidney cancer patient who ought to have died ten years ago but is living well today. He has another kidney cancer patient who did not have recurrent symptom in the last fifteen years until recently when the dormant kidney cancerous cells spread to the nose. From Western medicine point of view, if a patient has survived beyond five years, the cancer is considered 99% cured. If beyond ten years, he/she is considered 99.9% cured. His general advice for me is to stay optimistic and to pray hard, for my future is still unknown despite of the statistics. His prognosis for me is similar to the specialists' whom I consulted at Massachusetts General Hospital two months ago. The good news is that my operation has removed up to 90% of my tumour load, and I am recovering well. Prof. Bin-Tean Teh is using with my tumour tissue to cultivate cell-line to test for drug reaction. I was told by Prof. Cheng that this is a patented technique which is not available at Mass General Hosp yet. Sound like I came back to Singapore at the right time. I had also donated my blood for other cancer research projects.
Ever since I have been informed that my kidney cancer is hereditary in nature, I started asking God "why me?" It took me some time to absorb the fact that I am a high risk cancer patient, which means and no matter what I did in the past, I am still more likely to develop cancer. It also occurred to me there are countless victims who suffered or are suffering for no apparent reason. The Hong Kong hostages killed in Manila two months back were innocent victims. The Polish tourists who died two weeks ago on their way back from Germany when their bus crashed were also innocent victims. The flood victims suffering in Pakistan are innocent too. So are those who are born handicapped and challenged in one way or another. I am not able to comprehend why Jesus says "Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him" in John 9:3. How are God's works manifested in people who suffered for no apparent reason? I once thought I knew the answer until I myself am struck with cancer. I once assumed that God's works would be manifested through the response of others. Now, I no longer find this assumption adequate. I was struggling hard with this question again until I came across Eugene Peterson's introduction to the book of Job in his translated Bible (I still struggle but with less intensity). Below are three paragraphs which are particularly helpful to me:
... the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
... sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize during those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, he makes himself known to us in all the many ways that he describes to Job—from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe all around us—and he is also the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope—not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in books, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
... Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job in rejecting the quick-fix counsel of people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of the tempest ... We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned: God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and our vulnerable humanity. (Eugene Peterson, THE MESSAGE REMIX: The Bible in Contemporary Language. 2006. pp. 651-2).
Eugene Peterson does not answer why one suffers but at least through his passage, I am able to imagine a God who not only sees our suffering, but shares our pain. Suffering can be dignified and creates a space for God to speak to me existentially. I pray that I could experience God speaking to me once again in the midst of my own pain and suffering, even though I may not know why I inherit a defective gene. I do not know why I am struck with cancer at a young age and before I could continue on with my second Master degree in theology, but I am comforted knowing that God shares my pain and suffering. I am also comforted to be surrounded by people called to be the church, who are also called to be Christ's witness till the end of time. There are so many unknowns, including why Senior Minister of State for Foreign Affairs Dr Balaji Sadasivan died of colon cancer at the age of 55 last week, but to live in the unknown and to trust that God is walking with me is a walk of faith.
I have been asked hypothetically many times what I would do if Jesus Christ were to return tonight: I would continue to live the same way I am living now. Now, I am living with another set of question: If Christ were to return any time, and I have one more year to live, how would I live? I would like to spend time with my family members, read theological books and to take local theological class if possible, correspond through email, update my blog, worship together with my brothers and sisters, enjoy fellowship together, and to continue staying hopeful that I will be physically healed, whether through chemotherapy, Chinese herbs or natural juices. I will also continue to keep you posted on my medical condition. My appointment with my oncologist at National Cancer Centre to discuss my chemo plan is on 18 Oct (Mon).
Lastly, there are three video clips in Mandarin on Youtube about a Taiwanese neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer eight years ago, was told he would not live more than three years, and is still alive and well today. I am learning to live with the gift of living in the unknown.
A crane in Chinese Garden
Learning to hope from Shrek forever after
On my flight back to Singapore from Boston on 12 Aug'10, I asked myself what hope am I holding on to, and I happened to watch Shrek forever after while in-flight. In this animated movie, Shrek chooses to allow an evil witch to remove one day of his life in his contract. After signing the contract, Shrek discovers that everything has changed and he seeks to reverse it, and the only way he could reverse it is by claiming back his true love with his wife, Fiona who now no longer recognizes him. Shrek has only one day to live and during his last few breathes, Fiona holds him in her arms and while Shrek slowly fades away. Shrek confesses his satisfaction to have loved Fiona, and that is enough for him. This scene has several implications for me.
Through my clinical pastoral education program, I understand each and everyone of us to be part of God's broken body in the world. We are not a perfect community, but a broken body. We come together as God's broken community to allow God's beauty to speak through our brokenness. We are part of God's grand story in the unfolding space and time. Even if I were to depart early one day, I am still part of God's grand story and God's broken community consisting of both the living and the departed. All of us carry stories of both the living and the departed. The departed are in a place somewhere within God's memory, and alive in the memories of the living. I am hopeful that the hope that within me will continue to be passed on within God's community, that the people whom I have touched will continue to touch others while the stories they have confided in me are carried on within me.
In the brief space and time that I may have, I have loved and being loved; I have ministered to others and being ministered to by others; I have taught others and being taught by others; I have been shaped and transformed while being in a relationship and walked together with many of you in this brief space and time. We have shared our stories of brokenness and about we who are, and have witnessed how we embody God's broken community on earth. I am very satisfied to have walked this journey together with you, and I am hopeful that God will hold each and everyone of us no matter where we are. To quote directly from apostle Paul "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39, NRSV) Saint Augustine of Hippo taught me that there are three objects in a love relationship: the lover, the beloved and love itself. Since death will not separate one (the beloved) from God's love (the lover and love itself) manifested in Jesus Christ, I believe the departed continue to constitute God's broken community which we will get to greet and see on the day of the final resurrection. With that hope, I would like to celebrate each day God has given me.
Perhaps, it is only in the midst of my illness that I am able to slow down my pace and to spend quality time with my family members; I could reflect on my life and to question myself who I really am; I will treasure each day and the gift of being alive; I learn to value so deeply my wife, my mother, and my immediate family members including my eighteen-month old nephew; I learn to walk in faith and to trust God to guide me even in the midst of this great unknown; and to finally read books that I had wanted to read but could not in the past due to academic coursework and working schedule.
Through my clinical pastoral education program, I understand each and everyone of us to be part of God's broken body in the world. We are not a perfect community, but a broken body. We come together as God's broken community to allow God's beauty to speak through our brokenness. We are part of God's grand story in the unfolding space and time. Even if I were to depart early one day, I am still part of God's grand story and God's broken community consisting of both the living and the departed. All of us carry stories of both the living and the departed. The departed are in a place somewhere within God's memory, and alive in the memories of the living. I am hopeful that the hope that within me will continue to be passed on within God's community, that the people whom I have touched will continue to touch others while the stories they have confided in me are carried on within me.
In the brief space and time that I may have, I have loved and being loved; I have ministered to others and being ministered to by others; I have taught others and being taught by others; I have been shaped and transformed while being in a relationship and walked together with many of you in this brief space and time. We have shared our stories of brokenness and about we who are, and have witnessed how we embody God's broken community on earth. I am very satisfied to have walked this journey together with you, and I am hopeful that God will hold each and everyone of us no matter where we are. To quote directly from apostle Paul "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom 8:38-39, NRSV) Saint Augustine of Hippo taught me that there are three objects in a love relationship: the lover, the beloved and love itself. Since death will not separate one (the beloved) from God's love (the lover and love itself) manifested in Jesus Christ, I believe the departed continue to constitute God's broken community which we will get to greet and see on the day of the final resurrection. With that hope, I would like to celebrate each day God has given me.
Perhaps, it is only in the midst of my illness that I am able to slow down my pace and to spend quality time with my family members; I could reflect on my life and to question myself who I really am; I will treasure each day and the gift of being alive; I learn to value so deeply my wife, my mother, and my immediate family members including my eighteen-month old nephew; I learn to walk in faith and to trust God to guide me even in the midst of this great unknown; and to finally read books that I had wanted to read but could not in the past due to academic coursework and working schedule.
Diagnosed with kidney cancer
I have been reflecting on what has happened to me within the last three months. When I graduated from Boston University School of Theology on 16 May 2010 with Master of Divinity, I was awarded with cum laude. I started my internship as a chaplain on 1 June 2010 at Massachusetts General Hospital, one of U.S. top five hospitals. I was about to proceed on to a second master theological degree program at Boston College, the largest Catholic academic theological institution in U.S., with a substantial tuition scholarship on 7 Sep 2010. I thought I was right on track to be an academic theological scholar. All these changed radically on 26 Jul 2010, when my general physician told me that I had been diagnosed with a kidney cancer. Further testing revealed the size and spread of my tumour and confirmed my cancer to be in stage four. I went through emotional rollercoaster with my wife and my immediate family members in those few weeks. Suddenly, life was not as orderly as I would like it to be. I am no longer in control of my own life (as if I was really in control at all even before the diagnosis). Now, I cannot imagine how future is like and I am living in the great unknown. If the surgery or the chemotherapy is not a success, my lifespan will be severely curtailed. However, even if the surgery is successful, and my chemotherapy shrunk all detectable tumours, I will be living in the shadow of recurrent cancer from now on. I no longer have the courage to venture overseas again for theological education. It is too great a risk to take for a cancerous person (or should I use the word "patient"?) like me. Will there be any church who would want me as their minister? I simply do not have an answer. Now, I am learning to give thanks when I woke up each day, grateful to be still alive, grateful to be in the presence of my immediate family members. I am learning to relay totally on God and God's community once again. I am not in control, God is.
I used to be in parish ministry teaching adult Sunday school, preaching in the pulpit or facilitating Bible study in the last fifteen months before I returned back to Singapore. I used to be a chaplain intern providing pastoral care for my patients for about ten weeks during my CPE. Suddenly, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I am struggling to stand up again, trying to discover my new identity and my new role. I have become the receiving end of pastoral care while still being sensitive to the needs of others. If I can still call my reaching out to others a ministry, it will be a mutual ministry to each other. Just three weeks ago after I came back from Boston, I was waiting for my bus at Jurong Point bus interchange, I witnessed an Indian lady rebuking two foreign workers who blocked her way in the queue. She scolded them saying "Hello! How can others go in when you are blocking the way?" The two workers moved obediently to join the gap in the queue, and the lady continued "Use your common sense lah! Other people also want to queue up, right?" I stood there laughing to myself as I was put in touch with the familiar Singlish and Singaporeans' mannerism once again, and I knew distinctly that this is my home. If God has intervened in my theological education in such a way and is calling me back to ministry in Singapore indirectly, this is the group of people whom God would be calling me to minister to. Yes, ministering to my fellow Singaporeans. As to how and in what way, I do not yet know at this moment, but in the process of crafting this message, I could see how I am trying to minister in a different way. How?
When I heard our Prime Minister's National Day Rally Speech on 29 Aug 2010, his speech consists of measures to boost the economy and productivity, to control property prices, to streamline the education system further; justifies the needs for foreign talents and foreign workers, ways to control influx of foreign workers. In his showcase of Singaporeans' productivity, SembCorp and Keppel are highlighted as the two companies who provided solutions to the BP's oil spill in the Mexican Gulf. This is a phenomenal achievement coming from a small island-state like S'pore, and I do feel proud to be a Singaporean. The rally speech also celebrates the success of hosting the first Youth Olympic Game in spite of spending three times the budget. The decrease of birthrate was briefly mentioned. In short, this is a message celebrating S'pore achievements and inspiring hopes for the future of S'pore. The speech has been carefully crafted, and similarly, in the parish context, I do often hear messages and read carefully crafted newsletters and bulletins celebrating a ministry's success or someone's achievements, and inspiration to continue trusting in God and to point out evidences of God's blessing in the church. This mentality is similarly replicated in individual's setting (This seems to emulate Confucius' model of cascading virtues from the rulers down to the commoners). I have heard a lot of praises and thanksgiving to God because one has been promoted, or one's child has entered an elite stream or school, or one has been blessed materially, etc. (I am not saying one ought not to give thanks. It is only right to give thanks to God). One's failing or the ministry's lack of breakthrough is quickly glossed over or totally avoided in conversation, in newsletter or in the pulpit. Being brought up in such culture, I found it hard for me as a chaplain to empathize with my patients initially and I was quick to move beyond my patient's lack of strength and to lacquer layers of superficial assurance such as "Don't worry, you will make it." Some patients may appreciate it, but some will not. When my supervisor at my chaplain internship site observed me one day, she pointed this out to me, and we discussed my behaviour together. I realized how my upbringing conditioned me to actually avoid talking about pain, suffering, failures, and vulnerabilities.
When I reflected biblically, I could easily recall Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane; Jesus' cry on the cross "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me"; Peter's own denial of Jesus; the disciples' failure when Jesus was arrested; Paul's confession of taking part in the killing of Stephen and persecution of other Christians; the disciple John's bad temper; Abraham's cowardice when being confronted by Pharaoh and later by King Abimelech over Sarah; Moses' failure to enter the promised land; Joshua's incompetency in preparing the next generation of leaders; David's adultery, etc. The pain, suffering, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities of biblical figures are endless, and a strong reason why the biblical authors did not omit these out is to show us how God encounters authentic people and works with our pain, suffering, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. In other words, fellowship will be more authentic if we dare to speak of our own foolishness, and to confess our own ignorance. On a deeper level, within a safe and guarded space, if our pain and our vulnerabilities could be shared and contained, one's journey with a fellow sojourner-in-Christ would be even more authentic. However such sharing has to be done within a mature context to ensure one's vulnerabilities will not be abused by others and for further ministry to take place. Our journey in-Christ calls us not only to celebrate our lives together, but to also honour the authenticity of each individual as being made in God's image and to walk together as God's called community on earth.
I could have stopped at the first paragraph asking for prayer support, but I continued on to reveal my own vulnerability in the hope of showing that Christ's body does consist of broken members who gather not only to celebrate our lives together but also to minister to each other through our own brokenness.
May the LORD our God, whose body was broken for us and whose blood was spilled for us, be with you.
I used to be in parish ministry teaching adult Sunday school, preaching in the pulpit or facilitating Bible study in the last fifteen months before I returned back to Singapore. I used to be a chaplain intern providing pastoral care for my patients for about ten weeks during my CPE. Suddenly, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I am struggling to stand up again, trying to discover my new identity and my new role. I have become the receiving end of pastoral care while still being sensitive to the needs of others. If I can still call my reaching out to others a ministry, it will be a mutual ministry to each other. Just three weeks ago after I came back from Boston, I was waiting for my bus at Jurong Point bus interchange, I witnessed an Indian lady rebuking two foreign workers who blocked her way in the queue. She scolded them saying "Hello! How can others go in when you are blocking the way?" The two workers moved obediently to join the gap in the queue, and the lady continued "Use your common sense lah! Other people also want to queue up, right?" I stood there laughing to myself as I was put in touch with the familiar Singlish and Singaporeans' mannerism once again, and I knew distinctly that this is my home. If God has intervened in my theological education in such a way and is calling me back to ministry in Singapore indirectly, this is the group of people whom God would be calling me to minister to. Yes, ministering to my fellow Singaporeans. As to how and in what way, I do not yet know at this moment, but in the process of crafting this message, I could see how I am trying to minister in a different way. How?
When I heard our Prime Minister's National Day Rally Speech on 29 Aug 2010, his speech consists of measures to boost the economy and productivity, to control property prices, to streamline the education system further; justifies the needs for foreign talents and foreign workers, ways to control influx of foreign workers. In his showcase of Singaporeans' productivity, SembCorp and Keppel are highlighted as the two companies who provided solutions to the BP's oil spill in the Mexican Gulf. This is a phenomenal achievement coming from a small island-state like S'pore, and I do feel proud to be a Singaporean. The rally speech also celebrates the success of hosting the first Youth Olympic Game in spite of spending three times the budget. The decrease of birthrate was briefly mentioned. In short, this is a message celebrating S'pore achievements and inspiring hopes for the future of S'pore. The speech has been carefully crafted, and similarly, in the parish context, I do often hear messages and read carefully crafted newsletters and bulletins celebrating a ministry's success or someone's achievements, and inspiration to continue trusting in God and to point out evidences of God's blessing in the church. This mentality is similarly replicated in individual's setting (This seems to emulate Confucius' model of cascading virtues from the rulers down to the commoners). I have heard a lot of praises and thanksgiving to God because one has been promoted, or one's child has entered an elite stream or school, or one has been blessed materially, etc. (I am not saying one ought not to give thanks. It is only right to give thanks to God). One's failing or the ministry's lack of breakthrough is quickly glossed over or totally avoided in conversation, in newsletter or in the pulpit. Being brought up in such culture, I found it hard for me as a chaplain to empathize with my patients initially and I was quick to move beyond my patient's lack of strength and to lacquer layers of superficial assurance such as "Don't worry, you will make it." Some patients may appreciate it, but some will not. When my supervisor at my chaplain internship site observed me one day, she pointed this out to me, and we discussed my behaviour together. I realized how my upbringing conditioned me to actually avoid talking about pain, suffering, failures, and vulnerabilities.
When I reflected biblically, I could easily recall Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane; Jesus' cry on the cross "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me"; Peter's own denial of Jesus; the disciples' failure when Jesus was arrested; Paul's confession of taking part in the killing of Stephen and persecution of other Christians; the disciple John's bad temper; Abraham's cowardice when being confronted by Pharaoh and later by King Abimelech over Sarah; Moses' failure to enter the promised land; Joshua's incompetency in preparing the next generation of leaders; David's adultery, etc. The pain, suffering, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities of biblical figures are endless, and a strong reason why the biblical authors did not omit these out is to show us how God encounters authentic people and works with our pain, suffering, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. In other words, fellowship will be more authentic if we dare to speak of our own foolishness, and to confess our own ignorance. On a deeper level, within a safe and guarded space, if our pain and our vulnerabilities could be shared and contained, one's journey with a fellow sojourner-in-Christ would be even more authentic. However such sharing has to be done within a mature context to ensure one's vulnerabilities will not be abused by others and for further ministry to take place. Our journey in-Christ calls us not only to celebrate our lives together, but to also honour the authenticity of each individual as being made in God's image and to walk together as God's called community on earth.
I could have stopped at the first paragraph asking for prayer support, but I continued on to reveal my own vulnerability in the hope of showing that Christ's body does consist of broken members who gather not only to celebrate our lives together but also to minister to each other through our own brokenness.
May the LORD our God, whose body was broken for us and whose blood was spilled for us, be with you.
The decision to disclose my critical illness
Ever since the month of May, I have not updated my blog. As what a person writes is an outflow with who he/she is, I believe what I write from this point forth has been decisively colored by the diagnosis and treatment of my critical illness. It is therefore at this point that I decide to disclose my critical illness on my blog for few purposes:
1) My verbalization of my inner journey will lend a voice to others in the same predicament;
2) To update my friends about my current medical condition;
3) As an outlet to air my fear, frustration, joy, thankfulness, feelings and thoughts in the span of the limited time I have.
Having said all these, to be able to write on my blog again require courage and energy which I am slowly picking up.
1) My verbalization of my inner journey will lend a voice to others in the same predicament;
2) To update my friends about my current medical condition;
3) As an outlet to air my fear, frustration, joy, thankfulness, feelings and thoughts in the span of the limited time I have.
Having said all these, to be able to write on my blog again require courage and energy which I am slowly picking up.
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