Aftermath of removing my tummy’s protein-fluid

I remained pain-free for about one week before my tummy’s protein-fluid started returning. The excruciating pain caused by the fluid on my old wound returned as well. This time round, I resorted to using surgical tape to "stitch" the old wound superficially so that they would there will be less pressure tearing at the old wound and this simple method does reduce the pain. I thanked God for whatever relief I received.

At the same time, my back pain which wasn't a concern for me during one-week relief from tummy’s bloatedness has also returned. I had to resume my morphine drug to manage the pain again. I was scheduled for another CT scan at NCC on 19 Oct'11. The scan as originally scheduled 28 Oct, but due to my insistence, my oncologist managed to secure an earlier slot for me. He later disclosed to me that it was due to the fact that he donated $10k to the NCC Cancer Fund, and his close working relationship with NCC that I was given an earlier timeslot.  I was so touched when I knew the extra miles my oncologist walked for me, but he also thought that he was donating for a worthwhile cause. I thanked God again for being treated by a doctor with moral conviction.

The CT scan revealed further spread of my tumours in both the peritoneal cavity and in my liver. My oncologist shared with me that he had run out of option and suggested me to stop all my chemotherapy treatment. I took his advice, and the HCA hospice care will be acting as an intermediary between me and my oncologist. In the meanwhile, I am given mild dosage of morphine to manage my pain, am followed up regularly by hospice nurse and doctor, and learning to spend the remaining time with my loved ones meaningfully.

If you could join me in prayer, please pray that:
1) I could have the appetite to enjoy food, and to appreciate the newness of each day together with my loved ones. I am vomiting on a daily basis and losing weight;

2) I give thanks to all forms of support I have received in the past many months. Many of you have been walking with me through prayer support, some through monetary pledges, some through SMS text, some through emails, some brought fruits for me, etc. I appreciated whatever forms of support I have received. Please continue to walk with me, and I believe God will bless you in many ways than I know of. Pardon me if I may not respond as much as I would to in future due to my declining health, and for my need for extensive rest.

3) Though I do not know how much time I am left with, I ask for trust in God's goodness, in God's faithfulness, and to find continual rest in the peace and joy that can only brought about by an eternal relationship with the One above, and the One within;

4) The last one may not be that related to those above, but has been on my mind for some time. Even as the cost of living keeps increasing in Singaore, may the policy of the government work for the benefits of the poor and marginal. May God particularly remember those who are sick and poor among us. 

May God's peace and blessings be upon you.
3 Nov’11

When we cannot solve problems of those we seek to help

I would like to share two paragraphs from Henri Nouwen's Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith, an extract on "what to do" when we cannot solve problems of those we seek to help. More often than not, I have heard Christians utter the magical word "Trust in Jesus Christ" or "Believe in God" to signal the end of a brief conversation (or perhaps the "exit" sign) with the other who is experiencing real pains and sufferings. These were the typical responses I chose initially as a chaplain intern, as I was frozen by fear of not knowing what to say; later I experienced it on a different level as a cancer patient. However, as a cancer patient, these responses sound like cheapening the grace of God, of distrusting the reality of God's presence and of not having experienced the empowerment of His church. Later, I learned to stand in solidarity with the patient by listening attentively, by giving my full presence to the patient. It is not so much about what to say anymore. My suggestion to all who are learning to minister to others in pain: Stand in solidarity with the sufferer, even when you can't solve the problem. It is even all right to cry with the sufferer. Your presence embodies Christ. Below are two paragraphs which are helpful to me one reaching out to minister to others, from Henri Nouwen’s Spiritual Direction: 

WHEN WE CANNOT SOLVE PROBLEMS OF THOSE WE SEEK TO HELP
But what if we cannot solve the problems or change the circumstances of those we seek to help? Alleviating pain and suffering may sometimes be the fruit of our being with those who suffer, but that is not primarily why we are there. Ministry takes courage to be with the sick, the dying, and the poor in their weakness and in our powerlessness. We can't fix their problems or even answer their questions. We dare to be with others in mutual vulnerability and ministry precisely because God is a God who suffers with us and calls us to gratitude and compassion in the midst of pain. You cannot solve all the world's problems, but you can be with people in their problems and questions with your simple presence, trusting that joy also will be found there. As Mother Teresa was fond of saying, "Jesus does not call you to be successful, but to be faithful."

Jesus said, "Be compassionate as your heavenly Father is compassionate." It's a great calling. Don't be afraid. Don't say, "I can't do that." When you know yourself to be the beloved, and when you have friends around you with whom you live in community, you can do anything. You're not afraid anymore to knock on the door while someone is dying. You're not afraid to open a discussion with a person who beneath the glitter is much in need of ministry. Knowing that you are loved allows you to go into this world and touch people, heal them, speak with them, and make them aware that they are beloved, chosen, and blessed. Not by our might or by our power but by our simple presence in the midst of suffering, we show our love and gratitude for others. This is the mystery of ministry.

Henri Nouwen, Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. pp.136-37.