Short reflection on "Lifting the cup"

Other than visiting hospital for regular consultation, blood test, and injection, and receiving short visits from relatives, I have more time to read and to watch TV. In one of my most recent readings, I came across a paragraph by Henri Nouwen in his Can you drink the cup? This small booklet can be divided into three parts: 1) Holding the cup of life; 2) Lifting the cup; 3) Drinking the cup. In the second part about lifting the cup, he says,

"Mostly we are willing to look back at our lives and say: 'I am grateful for the good things that brought me to this place.' But when we lift our cup to life, we must dare to say: 'I am grateful for all that has happened to me and led me to this moment.' This gratitude which embraces all of our past is what makes our life a true gift for others, because this gratitude erases bitterness, resentments, regrets, and revenges as well as all jealousies and rivalries. It transforms our past into a fruitful gift for the future, and makes our life, all of it, into a life that gives life." (Henri J.M. Nouwen, Can you drink the cup? Bandra, Mumbai: The Pauline Sisters Bombay Society, 1996, pp.73-4)

This paragraph stands out for me because Nouwen is challenging me to be grateful for ALL that has happened to me, including my cancer. Like what he said, we are normally grateful for the good that happened to us, but not the mistakes we made, not the misfortunes that befell us, and certainly not our flaws. However, only when we truly embrace ALL our past can we truly allow God to transform us, and be a gift for ourselves and for the others. As I thought about how J.I.Packer portrays Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph, in his Knowing God, Packer highlights the character flaws in each of them, and yet God continued to mould them throughout their entire lives. The biblical author makes no effort to mask their flaws, and I believe God works with our flaws, our mistakes, and misfortunes as well, and when we fully accept who we are, we create room to acknowledge who we truly are, and the space for to share our lives with others authentically.

Riding through a storm

I went through one of the most trying periods in the last two weeks, but the harshness of my ailments has been softened by God's grace. Two weeks ago, I was still struggling badly with my sleep at night as well as learning to cope with my nausea. I also felt my stomach to be more bloated (I later learnt that my stomach is retaining water from Dr. Tay). It was a terrible experience. I prayed few times for relief and for the will and strength to live. Words cannot describe the pain I was going through during those tearful weeks after my radiotherapy. In addition to my discomfort, I had to prepare for lessons, and I was always left physically exhausted by the end of each class. As my teaching style is interactive, it consumes a lot of my energy. Six weeks ago, I was still coping well, but starting from two weeks, I ran out of breath easily and my physical exhaustion took longer to recover. Then, two weeks ago, during the weekends, both my legs became swollen (a symptom known as edema). I decided to step down from my teaching role at both Jubilee Sch and at Peoples Presbyterian Ch. I have also worked out the details of handing over with the coordinator.

I felt relieved to be freed from these teaching responsibilities even though I enjoyed every moment of teaching. I don't know why, two weeks ago, my nausea becomes more manageable, and I was able to sleep longer in the nights. I guess the side effects of my radiotherapy is starting to wear off, and I am able to rest more fully. But starting from this week, I vomited more regularly, and I started to experience light sleep again. I have switched to liquid food but that means I will get hungry more often. 

I have also stepped down from being a Bible study leader in my church. In the last few weeks, I was privileged to be driven to the Jubilee Sch of Missions and back by a dear sister (Ruiyan), encouraged by another brother (Huiqiang)'s presence during my Christian education class, as well as being grateful to a dear brother (Tim Chai) who committed himself to be my driver every Sat morning.

Two weeks back, I consulted my oncologist, Dr. Tay, at Gleneagles for follow-up. I am thankful that Dr. Tay is more thorough than my default oncologist at NCC. He shared with me that his cancer clinic is set up and run by Christian doctors. Somehow, I feel more comfortable and more peaceful when consulting him. As I believe my liver is expanding and pushing against my rib cage and my lump at the base of my neck is not shrinking, he suspects that my current medication is not working and he will be scheduling me for another CT scan at NCC (where I am subsidized), and funny thing is he is able to do so as he maintains a working relationship with NCC. Once the CT scan confirms that my tumours are growing, I will be given the third line of treatment. I have currently stopped my chemotherapy drug. So, I went for my CT scan yesterday. I was scheduled for a scan at 11.30am, so I started fasting at 8am. Then around 12pm, when my stomach was full of high contrast fluid, I vomited all of them out. It must be due to my gastric reflux. It was there then it was decided that I should be given injection dye. Immediately, after my CT scan, I drank Milo to top up my energy and it was such relief.

For my thanksgiving items and concerns:
1) I thank God and am grateful that the swelling of my legs are under control. I have to wear a special pair of socks to stimulate blood circulation, and to lift my legs above my heart level during sleep. Please pray that I will have better quality of sleep. I am also grateful that my morphine is managing my pain well, though it makes me drowsy.

2) I am very thankful for my church pastor and his wife's commitment to follow up with my parents. As his wife works closely with me at Jubilee Sch, she cares a lot about me and sends me plenty of encouragements regularly. I was really touched when she shared how I had inspired my students.

3) I continue to ask for the grace to enjoy food, and to lessen my nausea so that my body can have the energy to function properly.

4) In the event that I switch to third line of medication (and Dr. Tay will offer me a better price than at NCC), I ask God to shrink the tumours. If that is not God's will, may God allow me to live a quality life and to live in His grace. 

I hope not to have to entertain visitors as my energy level is quite low, and I pray that in this storm that I am going through right now, God's grace may be manifested. 

Enjoying a sacred moment

A dear old friend. Guozhang, invited me to his place recently for a lunch. He lives in Pinnacle@Duxton, the tallest public housing estate in Singapore, and one of the most unique since Pinnacle incorporates gardens at the 26th storey and 50th storey. The view from the sky garden on the top floor is phenomenal as you could see almost the whole stretch of the southern part of Singapore, the financial district as well as a vast horizon buildings along Orchard Road. I have known Guozhang since the year 1986, and in 1987, we were sitting next to each other in class. We have kept in touch since we graduated from primary school many years ago.  

After lunch, he brought me to the sky garden on the top floor, and we eventually ended up watching a container ship maneuvering a U-turn. As he was very interested in ships, he was able to explain to me the purpose of the red/black line on the container, as well as the purpose of smaller pulling boat. We watched a container at the Pasir Panjang terminal making a U-turn in twenty minutes, and I enjoyed listening to his explanation on the maneuvering but most of the time we kept quiet watching the container together. It has been quite a while since I last sat down listening to someone explaining new stuff to me. It was like a sacred moment. It was the sharing of life together I appreciated most. Sitting on a bench with backrest under a shade was not ideal, but I treasured the experience of watching a container making a U-turn. It was the first time I watched a container making a U-turn, and I can't say it is an extra-ordinary experience, but it was not ordinary either. Thanks, Guozhang, for making this experience possible for me.

The container in the middle of the picture is about to make a U-turn

Both my parents have accepted Christ

When my church pastor, Rev. Tay Hae Dar and his wife Pr. Esther Tan visited me on 13 Jul'11, they felt the prompting of the Spirit to share the gospel with my parents. As I was relatively tired and needed a rest badly, I retired back to my room. Then within the next hour, Pr. Esther informed me through text message that both my parents have accepted Christ! She further informed me their hearts were open to the gospel. I believe it was through three church camps and more recently, my parents witnessed more Christians coming to our home to pray with me and share God's word with me that broadened their exposure to the gospel. After so many years, and the work of the Holy Spirit. I was very delighted for my parents.

I remembered during the most recent church camp from 5-7 Jun at Desaru, Malaysia, a couple tried sharing the gospel message with my parents during the last night, but my parents felt they were too busy to be able to commit coming to the church regularly. As they supply seafood to their boss, they have to work on Sunday as well. Yet, during the third day, another sister in her 70s shared with us how the Lord guided her and protected her during all these years when she was in Taiwan and Indonesia. She has been a witness to God's faithfulness, and both my parents were all ears listening to her testimony. Then, during the house visit, my pastor convinced both my parents that they can still be Christians even if they cannot commit to regular Sunday service. My pastor and his wife also made it a point to follow up on them on a regular basis. They have prepared materials guiding my parents how to pray and on the basic beliefs of our faith.

On my part, I also made it a point to read through the gospel of Mark with them, and so far, we have reached chapter 2. It is a delight to witness my parents coming to faith, and it is also a privilege for me to be able to read the Bible together with them. Another pastor remarked to me that during this moment of my life, God's grace and power have prevailed upon my parents. It is at once a moment of darkness and also a moment of brightness to me. To that, I say "Amen".

Thanksgiving during last week

In the last one week, there was a dip in my energy level. I am exhausted more easily, and I am not sure whether it was because of my poor quality of sleep and my constant vomiting as I switched back to my oral chemotherapy (Afinitor) regime, and on top of that, I am taking morphine on daily basis as well as laxatives because the morphine causes constipation. I went for six radiotherapy treatment from 18 Jul to 25 Jul to kill the new tumours on my lumbar (which my oncologist and radiotherapist believe to be causing my back pain), and I vomited badly after the first session. Till now, I have yet to see the benefits of radiotherapy in lessening my lower back pain. Without the morphine, I simply don't know how I could manage the pain.

Despite of all the discomforts from my physical body, I experienced plenty of grace along the way. Last week Tue, I brought my father to watch a movie for the first time at Jurong Point. Then last week Thur, I resumed teaching at Jubilee Sch of Missions, and my students presented my with a bouquet of flowers and prayed for my recovery.  They said that my presence was a testimony of God's love for them. I was deeply touched. Amazingly, Ruiyan (a dear sister from my graduate fellowship) was able to offer me a ride to Jubilee Sch as well as to send to me back home. I was all the more grateful when I could also continue teaching at Peoples' Presby Ch on Sat morning, and Huiqiang (a dear brother from my graduate fellowship) sat in during the class. A cup of afternoon tea with him and another dear brother was a God-sent gift, though I found myself exhausted in the evening and the following day. Just yesterday, my church pastor and his wife followed up with my parents and this morning, I was reading the gospel of Mark together with my parents, and we watched a VCD (which I bought ten years ago for them) on the life of Jesus together. I experienced so much grace in the last one week, and I was overwhelmed with tears when I received news that a group of brothers and sisters has pledged to support me partially in my medical expenses on a monthly basis yesterday. So much grace and so many pleasant surprises in the last one week.

I believe I have experienced a spiritual breakthrough in the last few weeks. I am beginning to realize that my hope is not based on my physical recovery, but on the work done by Jesus Christ on the cross. Despite my physical conditions, I am ready to affirm with Paul in Rom 6:4-5 "Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his." Our resurrection is a reality and is beckoning us towards it. I am more authentically ready to proclaim "God is great" despite my physical ailments, and I pray for the courage and faith to affirm it everyday.

If you could, please join me in prayers for:
1) My theological students at Jubilee Sch. Some are relatively young believers, and some have a heavier disposition towards the charismatic movement. I realized some of my arguments need to fall back on biblical exegesis. This means I have to read beyond my prepared course materials. I ask for the physical strength and for the grace to be able to ground them in sound exegesis rather than on tangible experience, and may God grant me the request to see them through the coming six weeks.

2) My parents' spiritual growth. I enjoyed reading the Bible with them and I appreciate my pastor's effort to follow up on them every week. I thank God for calling my parents into relationship with Him during my lifetime, and I pray that I may finish reading the gospel of Mark with them, and may they grow in faith.

3) I pray that I will experience less nausea, increased appetite, better quality of sleep and may my tumours react to this new chemo drug.

4) I am extremely delighted with all the grace (means unmerited favour) that has been showered upon me, a sinner and a cancer patient heavily dependent on others. I ask for the courage and grace to continue my journey, and may the same grace be extended to my family members, and to all of you who have been walking with me.