Moving from 1st to 4th line of treatment within two months

 

I started switching to Affinitor in the early July when my CT scan done on 28 Jun’11 revealed the ineffectiveness of Sutent (my 1st line of treatment) in managing my tumours. I decided to switch to another oncologist, Dr. Tay, at Gleneagles for 2nd opinion and for more personal advice. Dr. Tay was of the opinion I should also switch medication and knowing my situation, he was able to offer me a cheaper price for the same medication. After trying out for two months, it was clear from my 17 Aug’11 CT scan that Affinitor was not working for me either. Dr. Tay suggested me to switch to 3rd line of treatment, another oral anti-angiogenesis drug Votrient. By then my energy level was declining, and I was coping with the after-effect of radiotherapy.

My blood test result two weeks after I took Votrient revealed that this drug might be ineffective as well and my energy level was declining steadily. During that two weeks interval, I had asked my family members to be mentally prepared in case my health continued to spiral downwards. My sudden loss of weight after one week of radiotherapy from 18-25 Jul‘11 to kill tumours growing on my spinal cord did much damage to my body. Though each therapy session lasted for last than five minutes, and it was painless, I vomited on a daily basis then and ate little during that brief one week of treatment. I didn’t gained any weight since then, except experiencing edema. The therapy also left a burnt mark on my back. 

By end of August, my feet were so swollen and I felt so weak that I had to use a wheelchair when consulting my oncologist at his clinic in Gleneagles hospital on 23 Aug’11. My 17 Aug’11 CT scan did not look good, and my blood test did not look good either. Tumours have grown back on my spinal cord, and I am taking oral morphine to manage my pain. When Dr. Tay asked me how I felt about the my own condition, and I remembered saying “Not positive”. He advised me to be mentally prepared. I was given the option to stop treatment or to try the 4th line of treatment, using intravenous injection drug, Avastin. I heard of Avastin before, and it was the drug approved prior to Sutent by the US Food and Drug Administration, but a more expensive drug than Sutent. I would like to try everything within my means before giving up so I decided to give it a go. Dr. Tay also arranged the service of HCA Hospice Care for me.

I started Avastin on 23 Aug’11 and it has been a month. I believe my body is responding to Avastin as I did not feel my energy level to be dipping further and my blood test on 9 Sep’11 indicated that my liver’s and kidney’s function to be improving. I thank God for the extra time I have with my family members now. Dr. Kee, the hospice doctor, suggested that any extra day for me is an added bonus. Dr. Kee’s suggestion is a new paradigm for me. Each day is indeed a day of gratitude, though I have to cope with occasional swollen feet and bloated stomach now.

Stating my philosophy of life briefly

 

I have been asked whether life is meaningful if one were to die eventually. I would say a definite YES. I believe we live to create good memories with our cherished ones, and we leave behind memories while also taking it together with us. Grief is a natural process of detachment. Everyone is bound to attachments which will be naturally followed by detachments. The challenge is to live in the present NOW, because what exists is NOW. The deeper challenge is to create good memories for oneself and for others in the present NOW, knowing that we will be held accountable for how we lived (that is the last word of Ecclesiastes by the way). To refuse to let go of detachment is to trap oneself in a spiral of grief. I know this sounds a bit like Buddhism, but what makes this belief different is the assumption that the reality we construct now is a shadow of the perfect one that is to come, and will come. Paul says in Eph 1:13-14 "And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession." Since we have received the Holy Spirit, what God says will happen will definitely take place. "Meaningfulness" is dependent on God's promises while living in the present reality.

Community requires forgiveness by Henri Nouwen

There are different types of community life you have probably been part of. There are probably some where you enjoy and you feel like part of its whole. There might also be some where you wish some of the underlying problems could be resolved before the community moves on. There might be a few where hurts and grievances are not given room to be expressed and healing is not taking place. Instead, these hurts and pains are hidden, and allowed to corrupt the goodness of the community unconsciously. Depending on the culture and source of authority within the community, some deem it a disgrace to air grievances, while some simply re-interpret the experience and put the source of blame squarely on those who are suffering. Some simply lack the experience and skill to handle hurt and grievance, and choose to ignore it. Recently, I come across Henri Nouwen’s Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. There is a part on forgiveness within community that I would like to share with you, titled “Community requires forgiveness”.

COMMUNITY REQUIRES FORGIVENESS
Within the discipline of life in community are the twin gifts of forgiveness and celebration that need to be opened and used regularly. What is forgiveness? Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not fulfilling all my needs and desires. Forgiveness says, "I know you love me, but you don’t have to love me unconditionally, because only God can do that." I too must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other peoples total needs, for no human being can do that.

We all have wounds. We all live in pain and disappointment. We all have feelings of loneliness that lurk beneath all our successes, feelings of uselessness that hide under all the praise, feelings of meaninglessness even when people say we are fantastic - and that is what makes us sometimes grab onto people and expect from them affection, affirmation, and love that they cannot give. If we want other people to give us something that only God can give, we are guilty of idolatry. We say, "Love me!” and before long we become demanding and manipulative. It is so important that we keep forgiving one another not once in a while but every moment of life. This is what makes community possible, when we can come together in a forgiving and undemanding way.

Our heart longs for satisfaction, for total communion. But human beings, whether it's your husband, your wife, your father, mother, brother, sister, or child, are all limited in giving the level of love and acceptance we all crave. But since we want so much and we get only part of what we want, we have to keep on forgiving people for not giving us all we want. So, I forgive you since you can only love me in a limited way. I forgive my mother that she is not everything I would like her to be. I forgive my father because he did the best he could. This is of enormous importance right now because constantly people look to blame their parents, their friends, and the church for not giving them what they need. Many people are so angry. They cannot forgive people for offering only limited expressions of an unlimited love. God's love is unlimited; our love is not. Any relationship you enter into - in communion, friendship, marriage, community, or church - will always be riddled with frustration and disappointment. So forgiveness becomes the word for divine love in the human context.

Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us all together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.

As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!

(Henri Nouwen, Spiritual Direction: Wisdom for the long walk of faith. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. pp.119-120.)

MY REFLECTION
When we project our needs onto others and expect them to fulfill it, we are bound to be disappointed and resentful, because we are unconsciously asking the others to be our superhero. We learn to put ourselves in others’ shoes when we realize that this is of no faults of others, and it is never easy to forgive when we ourselves are wounded in the first place. Unless we take the initiative to forgive, reconciliation will probably not take place. But the source of forgiveness does not come within ourselves, it comes from the God who loves us as who we are. I believe it is only when we recognize and acknowledge that each of us is a beloved child of God; that we have been forgiven by God for our trespasses; and deep within ourselves we realized we have received mercy and grace; only then should we continue to believe in the goodness of forgiving others. To forgive others is to break free of the chain that bind us to our hurt, pain and frustration.

However, forgiving others is easier said than done; it is even harder if the person is part of your community. Let us remember that Judas Iscariot was one of the twelve disciples, and lived with Jesus every day during Jesus’ ministry. Since I am not Jesus, how can I expect to be like Jesus? Jesus has set a prime example for all of us, and the Spirit within us is shaping us to conform to Christ’s image through a long and tedious process. (NRSV Ro. 8:29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family.) Going back to Nouwen’s insights, “Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us all together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.” As none of us is perfect, and recognizing our own limitations, it is by learning to forgive that we accept our own imperfections, our own limitations and the imperfections of others as well. Learning to forgive again and again is a process of acknowledging our mutual shortcomings, to create room for authentic love to take root, and to nourish the soil for authentic life in community to take place.

Disappointment with my AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A

I bought my AIA health insurance policy back in 2002 when I was still in the prime of my health and when I undergoing training as a professional school teacher. My policy underwent some revisions and it is now known as AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A. It was regrettable that I did not find out more from my ex-insurance agent (who has switched to another industry this year) about the the revision and other plans which offer better coverage. Currently, I am holding a policy which offers less coverage than NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic plan and yet I am paying a higher premium. This is why I am disappointed with AIA. 

As I mentioned in the my previous blog entry, when one is scouting for health insurance policy, there are three criteria one should be comparing: 1) The amount of coverage during hospitalization; 2) The types of coverage after discharge, including out-patient treatment; 3) The claims limit per policy year and per lifetime. Let’s compare the benefits of AIA Plan A with NTUC Basic Plan.

AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A Benefits   

NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan

Now if I were to choose based on my first criterion, i.e. amount of in-patient coverage, and if I were to opt for a Class B1 ward (an air-con ward with four beds and an attached bathroom; B1 ward and above are considered non-subsidized ward), NTUC Basic Plan will pay as per charged, whereas AIA Plan A capped it at $830 per day in any ward or $1300 per day in ICU. But if I consider the surgical benefits, NTUC Basic Plan will pay as per charged, unlike AIA Plan A which has a cap limit. 

Next, if I were to compare the out-patient treatment benefits, AIA Plan A cannot hold a candle at all  to NTUC Basic Plan as the latter plan pays as per charged. AIA Plan A loses out by a wide margin in this category.

Lastly, if I were to compare the claim limit per policy year, AIA Plan A also loses out by another wide margin as well. AIA sets a cap limit of $120,000 per policy year, while NTUC Basic Plan sets $150,000. But for lifetime limit, there is no limit at all for NTUC Basic Plan, while AIA Plan A caps it at $5 million for lifetime. 

Now it is clear which is the winner. But if you think the premium for NTUC Basic Plan should cost at least twice AIA Plan A, here’s the truth.

Premium Table for AIA HealthShield Gold Plan A

 Premium Table for NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan

As you can see, if you are a Singaporean, you are paying a premium for NTUC Basic Plan at a price way below that of AIA Plan A. Even if you were a foreigner, it will still be cheaper if you were to purchase NTUC Basic Plan. In my previous blog entry, I have argued that if the premium is affordable for you, go for the NTUC Preferred Plan. In this blog entry, I am comparing the insurance policy I am holding now with NTUC Enhanced IncomeShield Basic Plan. It is very obvious which plan is more superior. I am disappointed that the insurance company which I have grown to trust so much is losing its edges, and is not revising its policy to maintain a competitive edge against other insurance companies. 

I would like to urge the AIA management team to re-examine the policy their company is offering their clients. What matters at the end of the day is that their clients can afford quality healthcare services and the insurance company can be proud to claim that they have their clients at heart. It is critical for an insurance company to be willing to go all the way to enhance its reputation as a trustworthy insurance company who values clients as their core mission, rather than profits, because ultimately insurance company is dealing with human's lives. The insurance agents themselves will derive great satisfaction from meeting the real needs of humans rather than selling a package deal for commission, and this itself is a great source of motivation.

May AIA one day rise to the challenge of meeting real human needs rather than being focussed on commission, and may they set the standard which other insurance company will hold up to one day.  

Comparing NTUC latest hospitalization insurance policy with AIA’s

As a cancer patient, I am heavily dependent on health insurance policy. It is unfortunate that I did not buy the health insurance policy that offers the most comprehensive coverage nine years ago, and I did not think about upgrading my policy during those nine years until I was diagnosed with cancer last year. While I was in the US, I had thought of cancelling my hospitalization policy in Singapore since I was already buying health insurance policy in Boston. Fortunately, my insurance agent dissuaded me from doing so.

Even though I am disqualified from upgrading my existing health insurance policy, at least I could still do a comparison and advise my family members which policy offers the best value. In this case, I am interested to compare between NTUC Income Health Insurance policy and AIA Healthshield plan. Both companies offer hospitalization policies which do not carry cash value, and are renewable every year. You are eligible to purchase the policy if you do not have any pre-condition that predisposes you to a critical illness.When buying hospitalization insurance policy, I suggest using three criteria for comparison. First, does it offer sufficient coverage during hospitalization? Second, after discharge from hospital, what kind of coverage is being offered? If I need long-term outpatient treatment, am I being covered? Third, is there a cap as to how much I can claim per policy year and lifetime? If the premiums are affordable, I would suggest looking for policy that covers as much as possible, and ideally the policy should pay as much as you are being charged.

According to NTUC IncomeShield Plan at http://www.income.com.sg/forms/brochure/EIS.pdf, there are three types of hospitalization insurance policies: Preferred, Advantage and Basic. The three types of policy will pay for the full hospitalization charges (minus 10% co-insurance & deductible) at private hospital, government/restructured A ward and below, and government/restructured B1 ward and below respectively. All three policies also pay for the full charges (minus 10% co-insurance & deductible) incurred due to chemotherapy (which is very critical for cancer patient), and other stated out-patient hospital treatment. The limit per policy year is $600,000; $400,000; and $150,000 respectively for each policy. How about the limit per lifetime? There is no limit for each policy. All three policies also offers up to 90 days full post-hospitalization charges.

AIA offers an equivalent hospitalization plan called AIA HealthShield Gold Max and AIA HealthShield Gold Max Essential. The HealthShield Gold Max is comparable to NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan. You can find out more details about AIA HealthShield plan at http://www.aia.com.sg/health/hiplans-healthshield-gold-max.html. the difference between HealthShield Gold Max and Gold Max Essential is that the latter policy covers co-insurance and deductibles as well. If you download the brochure, you will see that AIA covers 100 days pre-hospitalization and 100 days post-hospitalization charges. However the limit per policy year for HealthShield Gold Max is up to $500,000 while NTUC Preferred Plan offers up to $600,000 per policy year. This $100,000 difference is crucial if you are in intensive care unit. However, there is no limit for lifetime in the case of HealthShield Gold Max and it covers all charges incurred by out-patient hospital treatment including chemotherapy (remember to minus 10% co-insurance and deductible), which is the same as all the three plans offered by NTUC.

Having compared some elementary differences between AIA and NTUC hospitalization insurance plans, you might think that NTUC insurance plans should cost more than AIA’s. Let’s take a look at the chart below for comparison.

AIA HealthShield Gold Max Premiums

NTUC IncomeShield Premiums

Apparently, if you were to buy NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan, you are paying lesser premium than AIA’s equivalent hospitalization insurance plan. If I were looking for new hospitalization insurance policy, my choice is clear: I would prefer NTUC IncomeShield Preferred Plan. Few years ago, AIA used to set the industry standard for insurance plan, ranging from cash-valued policy to term policy. But now, NTUC seems to be setting a new standard for the rest of other insurance company in Singapore. I wish AIA insurance agents could exert pressure on their company’s management team to up their standard again for the benefits of their clients. 

(Disclaimer: I am not an insurance agent, neither do I earn any commission from writing this blog entry). 

Short reflection on "Lifting the cup"

Other than visiting hospital for regular consultation, blood test, and injection, and receiving short visits from relatives, I have more time to read and to watch TV. In one of my most recent readings, I came across a paragraph by Henri Nouwen in his Can you drink the cup? This small booklet can be divided into three parts: 1) Holding the cup of life; 2) Lifting the cup; 3) Drinking the cup. In the second part about lifting the cup, he says,

"Mostly we are willing to look back at our lives and say: 'I am grateful for the good things that brought me to this place.' But when we lift our cup to life, we must dare to say: 'I am grateful for all that has happened to me and led me to this moment.' This gratitude which embraces all of our past is what makes our life a true gift for others, because this gratitude erases bitterness, resentments, regrets, and revenges as well as all jealousies and rivalries. It transforms our past into a fruitful gift for the future, and makes our life, all of it, into a life that gives life." (Henri J.M. Nouwen, Can you drink the cup? Bandra, Mumbai: The Pauline Sisters Bombay Society, 1996, pp.73-4)

This paragraph stands out for me because Nouwen is challenging me to be grateful for ALL that has happened to me, including my cancer. Like what he said, we are normally grateful for the good that happened to us, but not the mistakes we made, not the misfortunes that befell us, and certainly not our flaws. However, only when we truly embrace ALL our past can we truly allow God to transform us, and be a gift for ourselves and for the others. As I thought about how J.I.Packer portrays Abraham, Jacob, and Joseph, in his Knowing God, Packer highlights the character flaws in each of them, and yet God continued to mould them throughout their entire lives. The biblical author makes no effort to mask their flaws, and I believe God works with our flaws, our mistakes, and misfortunes as well, and when we fully accept who we are, we create room to acknowledge who we truly are, and the space for to share our lives with others authentically.

Riding through a storm

I went through one of the most trying periods in the last two weeks, but the harshness of my ailments has been softened by God's grace. Two weeks ago, I was still struggling badly with my sleep at night as well as learning to cope with my nausea. I also felt my stomach to be more bloated (I later learnt that my stomach is retaining water from Dr. Tay). It was a terrible experience. I prayed few times for relief and for the will and strength to live. Words cannot describe the pain I was going through during those tearful weeks after my radiotherapy. In addition to my discomfort, I had to prepare for lessons, and I was always left physically exhausted by the end of each class. As my teaching style is interactive, it consumes a lot of my energy. Six weeks ago, I was still coping well, but starting from two weeks, I ran out of breath easily and my physical exhaustion took longer to recover. Then, two weeks ago, during the weekends, both my legs became swollen (a symptom known as edema). I decided to step down from my teaching role at both Jubilee Sch and at Peoples Presbyterian Ch. I have also worked out the details of handing over with the coordinator.

I felt relieved to be freed from these teaching responsibilities even though I enjoyed every moment of teaching. I don't know why, two weeks ago, my nausea becomes more manageable, and I was able to sleep longer in the nights. I guess the side effects of my radiotherapy is starting to wear off, and I am able to rest more fully. But starting from this week, I vomited more regularly, and I started to experience light sleep again. I have switched to liquid food but that means I will get hungry more often. 

I have also stepped down from being a Bible study leader in my church. In the last few weeks, I was privileged to be driven to the Jubilee Sch of Missions and back by a dear sister (Ruiyan), encouraged by another brother (Huiqiang)'s presence during my Christian education class, as well as being grateful to a dear brother (Tim Chai) who committed himself to be my driver every Sat morning.

Two weeks back, I consulted my oncologist, Dr. Tay, at Gleneagles for follow-up. I am thankful that Dr. Tay is more thorough than my default oncologist at NCC. He shared with me that his cancer clinic is set up and run by Christian doctors. Somehow, I feel more comfortable and more peaceful when consulting him. As I believe my liver is expanding and pushing against my rib cage and my lump at the base of my neck is not shrinking, he suspects that my current medication is not working and he will be scheduling me for another CT scan at NCC (where I am subsidized), and funny thing is he is able to do so as he maintains a working relationship with NCC. Once the CT scan confirms that my tumours are growing, I will be given the third line of treatment. I have currently stopped my chemotherapy drug. So, I went for my CT scan yesterday. I was scheduled for a scan at 11.30am, so I started fasting at 8am. Then around 12pm, when my stomach was full of high contrast fluid, I vomited all of them out. It must be due to my gastric reflux. It was there then it was decided that I should be given injection dye. Immediately, after my CT scan, I drank Milo to top up my energy and it was such relief.

For my thanksgiving items and concerns:
1) I thank God and am grateful that the swelling of my legs are under control. I have to wear a special pair of socks to stimulate blood circulation, and to lift my legs above my heart level during sleep. Please pray that I will have better quality of sleep. I am also grateful that my morphine is managing my pain well, though it makes me drowsy.

2) I am very thankful for my church pastor and his wife's commitment to follow up with my parents. As his wife works closely with me at Jubilee Sch, she cares a lot about me and sends me plenty of encouragements regularly. I was really touched when she shared how I had inspired my students.

3) I continue to ask for the grace to enjoy food, and to lessen my nausea so that my body can have the energy to function properly.

4) In the event that I switch to third line of medication (and Dr. Tay will offer me a better price than at NCC), I ask God to shrink the tumours. If that is not God's will, may God allow me to live a quality life and to live in His grace. 

I hope not to have to entertain visitors as my energy level is quite low, and I pray that in this storm that I am going through right now, God's grace may be manifested. 

Enjoying a sacred moment

A dear old friend. Guozhang, invited me to his place recently for a lunch. He lives in Pinnacle@Duxton, the tallest public housing estate in Singapore, and one of the most unique since Pinnacle incorporates gardens at the 26th storey and 50th storey. The view from the sky garden on the top floor is phenomenal as you could see almost the whole stretch of the southern part of Singapore, the financial district as well as a vast horizon buildings along Orchard Road. I have known Guozhang since the year 1986, and in 1987, we were sitting next to each other in class. We have kept in touch since we graduated from primary school many years ago.  

After lunch, he brought me to the sky garden on the top floor, and we eventually ended up watching a container ship maneuvering a U-turn. As he was very interested in ships, he was able to explain to me the purpose of the red/black line on the container, as well as the purpose of smaller pulling boat. We watched a container at the Pasir Panjang terminal making a U-turn in twenty minutes, and I enjoyed listening to his explanation on the maneuvering but most of the time we kept quiet watching the container together. It has been quite a while since I last sat down listening to someone explaining new stuff to me. It was like a sacred moment. It was the sharing of life together I appreciated most. Sitting on a bench with backrest under a shade was not ideal, but I treasured the experience of watching a container making a U-turn. It was the first time I watched a container making a U-turn, and I can't say it is an extra-ordinary experience, but it was not ordinary either. Thanks, Guozhang, for making this experience possible for me.

The container in the middle of the picture is about to make a U-turn

Both my parents have accepted Christ

When my church pastor, Rev. Tay Hae Dar and his wife Pr. Esther Tan visited me on 13 Jul'11, they felt the prompting of the Spirit to share the gospel with my parents. As I was relatively tired and needed a rest badly, I retired back to my room. Then within the next hour, Pr. Esther informed me through text message that both my parents have accepted Christ! She further informed me their hearts were open to the gospel. I believe it was through three church camps and more recently, my parents witnessed more Christians coming to our home to pray with me and share God's word with me that broadened their exposure to the gospel. After so many years, and the work of the Holy Spirit. I was very delighted for my parents.

I remembered during the most recent church camp from 5-7 Jun at Desaru, Malaysia, a couple tried sharing the gospel message with my parents during the last night, but my parents felt they were too busy to be able to commit coming to the church regularly. As they supply seafood to their boss, they have to work on Sunday as well. Yet, during the third day, another sister in her 70s shared with us how the Lord guided her and protected her during all these years when she was in Taiwan and Indonesia. She has been a witness to God's faithfulness, and both my parents were all ears listening to her testimony. Then, during the house visit, my pastor convinced both my parents that they can still be Christians even if they cannot commit to regular Sunday service. My pastor and his wife also made it a point to follow up on them on a regular basis. They have prepared materials guiding my parents how to pray and on the basic beliefs of our faith.

On my part, I also made it a point to read through the gospel of Mark with them, and so far, we have reached chapter 2. It is a delight to witness my parents coming to faith, and it is also a privilege for me to be able to read the Bible together with them. Another pastor remarked to me that during this moment of my life, God's grace and power have prevailed upon my parents. It is at once a moment of darkness and also a moment of brightness to me. To that, I say "Amen".

Thanksgiving during last week

In the last one week, there was a dip in my energy level. I am exhausted more easily, and I am not sure whether it was because of my poor quality of sleep and my constant vomiting as I switched back to my oral chemotherapy (Afinitor) regime, and on top of that, I am taking morphine on daily basis as well as laxatives because the morphine causes constipation. I went for six radiotherapy treatment from 18 Jul to 25 Jul to kill the new tumours on my lumbar (which my oncologist and radiotherapist believe to be causing my back pain), and I vomited badly after the first session. Till now, I have yet to see the benefits of radiotherapy in lessening my lower back pain. Without the morphine, I simply don't know how I could manage the pain.

Despite of all the discomforts from my physical body, I experienced plenty of grace along the way. Last week Tue, I brought my father to watch a movie for the first time at Jurong Point. Then last week Thur, I resumed teaching at Jubilee Sch of Missions, and my students presented my with a bouquet of flowers and prayed for my recovery.  They said that my presence was a testimony of God's love for them. I was deeply touched. Amazingly, Ruiyan (a dear sister from my graduate fellowship) was able to offer me a ride to Jubilee Sch as well as to send to me back home. I was all the more grateful when I could also continue teaching at Peoples' Presby Ch on Sat morning, and Huiqiang (a dear brother from my graduate fellowship) sat in during the class. A cup of afternoon tea with him and another dear brother was a God-sent gift, though I found myself exhausted in the evening and the following day. Just yesterday, my church pastor and his wife followed up with my parents and this morning, I was reading the gospel of Mark together with my parents, and we watched a VCD (which I bought ten years ago for them) on the life of Jesus together. I experienced so much grace in the last one week, and I was overwhelmed with tears when I received news that a group of brothers and sisters has pledged to support me partially in my medical expenses on a monthly basis yesterday. So much grace and so many pleasant surprises in the last one week.

I believe I have experienced a spiritual breakthrough in the last few weeks. I am beginning to realize that my hope is not based on my physical recovery, but on the work done by Jesus Christ on the cross. Despite my physical conditions, I am ready to affirm with Paul in Rom 6:4-5 "Therefore we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his." Our resurrection is a reality and is beckoning us towards it. I am more authentically ready to proclaim "God is great" despite my physical ailments, and I pray for the courage and faith to affirm it everyday.

If you could, please join me in prayers for:
1) My theological students at Jubilee Sch. Some are relatively young believers, and some have a heavier disposition towards the charismatic movement. I realized some of my arguments need to fall back on biblical exegesis. This means I have to read beyond my prepared course materials. I ask for the physical strength and for the grace to be able to ground them in sound exegesis rather than on tangible experience, and may God grant me the request to see them through the coming six weeks.

2) My parents' spiritual growth. I enjoyed reading the Bible with them and I appreciate my pastor's effort to follow up on them every week. I thank God for calling my parents into relationship with Him during my lifetime, and I pray that I may finish reading the gospel of Mark with them, and may they grow in faith.

3) I pray that I will experience less nausea, increased appetite, better quality of sleep and may my tumours react to this new chemo drug.

4) I am extremely delighted with all the grace (means unmerited favour) that has been showered upon me, a sinner and a cancer patient heavily dependent on others. I ask for the courage and grace to continue my journey, and may the same grace be extended to my family members, and to all of you who have been walking with me.